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Band 5

Some people believe the purpose of education should be helping the individual to become useful for society, while others believe it should help individuals to achieve their ambition. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #purpose #education #society #individuals #ambition
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Undobtedly
Correct your spelling
Undoubtedly
, the
school
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 is a place which prepares individuals for adult life.
Therefore
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, there have been many voices that its main purpose should be helping people to become successful
as well as
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 to achieve their dreams. At the same time,
however
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, others claim that
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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the most significant role is socialisation. Each of these views has both pros and cons.
Use synonyms
School
Add an article
The school
show examples
 contributes to
creation
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the creation
show examples
 of social bonds. First and foremost,
kids
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 learn how to live with one another there. Usually, except
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
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school
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,
children
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 do not spend time in
such
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 large groups,
thus
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, it is a place where they have to understand and get to know how to function with other people,
consequently
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 becoming a part of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society.
Furthermore
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, they are
teached
Correct your spelling
taught
show examples
 how to be useful. It means that they are shown how a citizen should live,
for example
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, to find a job, settle a family, and raise his
children
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 -
school
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 contributes to
this
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by
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through
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 particular subjects
such
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 as 'social education'.
On the other hand
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, the
school
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 is
also
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 a place which enables achieving dreams and
ambition
Fix the agreement mistake
ambitions
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. What is the most relevant, the lessons should encourage
children
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 to study. During the
school
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 years not only do
kids
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 explore
the
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apply
show examples
new fields of study, but
also
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 their plans
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 future
dream-job
Correct your spelling
dream job
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create
Wrong verb form
are created
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,
therefore
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, in order to achieve it, their motivation increases.
In addition
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, the
school
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 offers many developing programs for talented
kids
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 which can boost their skills. A plethora of
the
Correct article usage
apply
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study competitions or
turnaments
Correct your spelling
tournaments
tournament
 is presented which can have a positive impact on the development of the individuals who take part in them. In conclusion, in my opinion, the main
puropse
Correct your spelling
purpose
 of
school
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 is helping individuals become useful for society.
Although
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 it
encourage
Change the verb form
encourages
show examples
children
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 to
development
Replace the word
develop
show examples
 and achieve their dreams, its
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most significant goal is to socialise people and
learn
Verb problem
teach
show examples
kids
Use synonyms
 how to function
withc
Correct your spelling
with
 each other.
Submitted by kuba.glogowski on

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Try to improve sentence structure. There are some sentences that could be more concise and clear.
Add more specific examples to strengthen your main points. This will make your arguments more convincing.
Improve the grammatical accuracy. For instance, check for incorrect verb forms and subject-verb agreement.
introduction conclusion present highlight
Good introduction and conclusion, which are clear and coherent.
complete response highlight
The essay addresses both sides of the argument, showing a balanced discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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