IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Due to the increase in population in big cities, more and more people are living in small houses with very little or no outdoor space. What are the problems? What can be done to solve these problems?

#population #cities #people #houses #space
It is widely recognised that there are more and more people choosing to live in narrow places or no outdoor space owing to the dense population, especially in metropoles.
This
 phenomenon leads to certain
health
 problems and affects
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
human well-being negatively.
However
, the
government
's actions can mitigate these problems. Living in a small house with no outdoor space in the long term could influence both mental
health
 and physical
health
. Regarding mental
health
, people have a tendency to depression
due to
 the shortage of natural light and fresh air.
Thus
, they tend to think in a pessimistic way,
as
Correct word choice
and as
show examples
 a result, their productivity could fall gradually. In terms of physical
health
, since they have no outdoor space, they always lay on their beds all day
instead
 of standing up and doing some exercise in order to stay healthy.
Coping
Change preposition
In coping
show examples
 with
this
 situation, the
government
 takes the majority of responsibility.
Firstly
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
economic development should be more prioritized in rural areas
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 are sparsely populated.
Hence
, more job opportunities are created, which
attract
Correct subject-verb agreement
attracts
show examples
 a lot of
labors
Replace the word
labourers
show examples
 from big cities
immigrating
Change the verb form
to immigrate
show examples
 to the countryside or the
suburb
Fix the agreement mistake
suburbs
show examples
. Population density in metropoles declines significantly and that contributes to the decrease of the housing cost to affordable prices.
Secondly
, the
government
 should improve the quality of transportation in rural areas. Indeed, the enhanced public transport could help workers living far from the city are able to commute more easily without renting houses near the office. It is
also
 important to sponsor a housing subvention, especially for the people who are in
needed
Change the form of the verb
need
show examples
, the
government
 play a crucial role in
this
 situation. In conclusion,
health
 problems
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 the main reason contributing to the huge number of residents living in unspacious houses. Fortunately, there are various effective solutions to tackle
this
 issue.
Submitted by ng.hg.ly28 on

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task achievement
Try to use more specific examples and statistics to support your points. This can bolster your arguments and provide stronger evidence for your claims.
coherence cohesion
Some sentences could be slightly rephrased for clarity and to avoid repetition. Consider varying your sentence structure and using a broader range of vocabulary to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear and logical structure, with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This helps with the overall flow and readability of the piece.
task achievement
You successfully identified the key issues related to living in small houses and suggested various plausible solutions. It's evident that you have a good understanding of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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