IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that competitive sports such as soccer can help to reach cultural interaction among people of different age groups and nationalities, but others think that it would cause problems. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #sports #soccer #interaction #age #groups #nationalities
Soccer
 has become
one
 of the top sports in the world.
Soccer
 is conquering the world. It became a daily topic of discussion for
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 individuals. Some of the citizens have
opinion
Add an article
the opinion
an opinion
show examples
 that
this
sport
 is helping to interact between divergent nationalities and age groups, but few citizens believe that it
also
creating
Wrong verb form
creates
show examples
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
.
This
 essay will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
both views. Nowadays,
people
 with different cultures and age groups, are facing
issue
Fix the agreement mistake
issues
show examples
 like making friends and creating their own friend circle.
Soccer
 as a
sport
 plays
vital
Add an article
a vital
show examples
 role in their life, as
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
 number of individuals are playing or at least watching
soccer
 games.
This
sport
 helped lonely citizens to make friends. It even increases their communication skills. On top of that, no
one
 is facing awkwardness to start a conversation.
Soccer
 has always been
their
Change the word
a
show examples
 hot topic to discuss about.
For instance
, companies are hosting events for their employee to watch
soccer
, to boost company culture.
One
 of the idioms I personally liked is “every rose has
it’s
Replace the word
its
show examples
 thorn” which states even positive things have some
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
negative
effect
Change to a plural noun
effects
show examples
 as well.
Major
Add an article
The major
A major
show examples
 drawback of
this
 competitive
sport
 is sometimes
people
 get involved too much in
soccer
, as they
started
Wrong verb form
start
show examples
 taking it personally without thinking that it is affecting
mental
Correct pronoun usage
their mental
show examples
 health. Even if you are not watching, you should respect other’s opinion and their love towards
soccer
.
For instance
, BBC
news
Capitalize word
News
show examples
 showed that in
one
 of the Vancouver
bar
Fix the agreement mistake
bars
show examples
 which was hosting
FIFA
Correct article usage
the FIFA
show examples
world cup
Correct your spelling
World Cup
show examples
 game,
people
 started damaging the bar, just because their team got lost and even
few
Correct article usage
a few
show examples
 innocent
people
 got injured as well.
Therefore
, I feel like there should be sportsmanship even when you are watching the game.
Advantages
Correct article usage
The advantages
show examples
 of
soccer
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
show examples
 overcome the disadvantages, but we need to be respectful in every aspect, as we don’t know when it will start impacting our mental health.
Submitted by saranshs712 on

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task achievement
To improve upon the task response, try to provide more balanced discussion and elaborate on both sides of the argument in more detail. Your opinion should be clearer and more strongly supported by evidence.
task achievement
Enhance clarity by ensuring that your ideas are expressed more comprehensively. Sometimes, the meaning can be obscured by awkward phrasing or grammar issues.
coherence cohesion
To boost coherence and cohesion, be mindful of your transitions between ideas. While your essay is generally well-structured, some paragraphs could flow more smoothly with better linking words or phrases.
task achievement
Support your main points with more relevant and specific examples. While some good examples are present, they could be expanded or additional ones could be included to strengthen your argument.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction is clear and sets the stage for discussing both views effectively.
complete response
Your essay acknowledges both sides of the argument, which is essential for a balanced discussion.
relevant specific examples
You've utilized examples to support your points, which is a key aspect of a well-rounded essay.
introduction conclusion present
You have a conclusion that reiterates your main points and gives a final verdict, which helps in wrapping up the essay coherently.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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