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Band 6

As well as making money, businesses also have social responsiblities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#money #businesses #responsiblities
In
this
 day and age, people hold a belief that enterprises focus on generating profit
along with
 embracing social obligations. I personally agree with
this
 viewpoint as I believe that
businesses
 should
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 both of them On the one hand, it is essential for
businesses
 to make money. The first reason is that every company has to pay for the operation costs
such
 as employees' salary,
water
 and electricity fees and rent. If they
could not
Wrong verb form
cannot
show examples
 afford these costs, they may have to deal with bankruptcy.
Secondly
, thanks to the profits generated,
businesses
 could expand their scale in a variety of fields and improve their facilities by investing in cutting-edge technology. Indeed, the main purpose of all enterprises is to make money for the business owners and workers genuinely.
On the other hand
, there are several compelling reasons why
businesses
 need to pay attention to social responsibilities. First of all, it is important to build customers' trust and loyalty. When companies gain customers' support, they can achieve financial goals more easily. If
businesses
 focus solely on profit , it can damage their brand image. Another reason is that enterprises contribute to the main influence
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 damaging the environment and lead to long-term financial losses. To be more specific, the factories release a great deal of disposal
water
 in the
water
 resources, causing harmful affections
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the aquatic species.
As a result
,
this
 action could lead to the disappearance of certain animals
habitating
Correct your spelling
habituating
 in
water
. In conclusion,
while
 making profits should be prioritized, it is
also
 important to consider the social contribution.
This
 dual focus is essential for the development of each business for long-term success.
Submitted by ng.hg.ly28 on

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task response
Although your essay is comprehensive, try to refine your examples and explanations for a stronger impact. Elaborating more on how social responsibilities can directly lead to financial gains would enhance your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your logical structure is clear, but transitioning between paragraphs could be smoother. Using transitional phrases would make your essay more cohesive. For example, 'Moreover', 'Additionally', and 'In contrast' can help the flow.
coherence cohesion
In your conclusion, briefly summarize key points instead of just stating 'dual focus is essential'. This helps reinforce your argument and gives a stronger final impression.
task response
You have provided strong reasons for both points of view, making your discussion well-rounded.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion, which strengthens overall readability.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph focuses on a single idea, and supporting details are provided, making your points convincing.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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