IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that the government should be responsible for crimes prevention, while others believe that it is responsibility of the individual to protect themselves. Discuss both the sides and give your opinion

#people #government #crimes #prevention #responsibility
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is no denying the fact that some
people
 claim that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 must punish criminals but
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others
not
Add a missing verb
do not
show examples
.
While
 it is a commonly held belief that
government
 may not have the
responbility
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 to take care
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 crimes, there is
also
 an argument that opposes it. In
this
essay
Add a comma
essay,
show examples
 I will discuss both
point
Change to a plural noun
points
show examples
 of view and express my opinion. On one hand,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 may not have the ability to see all the crimes in the
city
.
In other words
, if the
city
 is big as
NewYork
Correct your spelling
New York
show examples
city
Capitalize word
City
show examples
,
government
 can not have the time to cover the whole
city
 to see if there is a crime or not.
In addition
, some governments
scared
Add a missing verb
are scared
show examples
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
mafias or
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
criminals.
For example
, in Brazil some mafias have full power
on
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the whole country,
also
 in
Italy
Add a comma
Italy,
show examples
 it is hard for
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 to do something because
the
Correct your spelling
they
show examples
 can not face the mafia
due to
 their power and money.
On the other hand
, many
people
 tend to believe that they have the ability to care for themselves.
It
Add a verb
It is
It was
show examples
also
 possible to say that most of them are rich
people
 and have security all over their houses,
Moreover
, most of
people
Add an article
the people
show examples
 who prefer to save themselves
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
live in safe countries.
For instance
, countries like Saudi
arabia
Change the capitalization
Arabia
show examples
 pay money just to let their
people
 in safe and no one can even touch them. In
conlusion
Correct your spelling
conclusion
, there are no easy answers to
this
 question. On balance, I tend to believe that
government
 should provide free security to all
people
 because not everyone
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 the ability to protect themselves.
Submitted by bcynfn159 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Ensure that all main points are fully supported with relevant examples and explanations.
coherence cohesion
Work on improving paragraph structure by clearly linking sentences to create a more logical flow of ideas.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and provide a clear stance.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address both sides of the argument, fulfilling the basic requirements of the task.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: