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Band 3.5

some say that the most important thing abount being rich is that one has the opportunity to help others. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #abount #opportunity
There is no doubt,
being
Correct word choice
that being
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 wealthy has become a common thing among people nowadays. Everyone is running mad rat
rase
Correct your spelling
race
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 behind money.
well
Capitalize word
Well
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, many could be get helped by the richest guys. I agree with the statement. I shall shed light upon it by covering a lot of ground in
further
 paragraphs.
TO
Correct your spelling
To
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 begin with, for the betterment of society, a number of charity and philanthropy work could be done by an affluent person,which might
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
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addess
Correct your spelling
address
added
 the social inequalities and assist those in need. By providing individuals the means to support educational initiatives,
contribution
Fix the agreement mistake
contributions
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 could be putt by
a
Change the article
the
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 richest human to create
a
Change the article
an
show examples
educatinal
Correct your spelling
educational
 and skilled population in
coming
Add an article
the coming
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 generation. There are other different types of aspects
those
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 might be improved by being wealthy.
Such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
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helth
Correct your spelling
health
, culture, sports and many more.
Moreover
, in
this
 era, there is
big
Add an article
a big
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 need to preserve the heritage, so that upcoming children can
also
 take
knowlegde
Correct your spelling
knowledge
 about our ancient things and ancestors,
a
Remove the article
apply
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work like a boon by investing in maintaining cultural and artistic goods, probably done by an opulent.
Additionally
 , it is undeniable,
one's
Correct word choice
that one's
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 own and his family's desires are
also
 depend on his shoulders, so
this
 credibly the essential aspect
for
Change preposition
of
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 being rich for an individual. In conclusion, it can be said that, as being
enable
Wrong verb form
enabled
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 wealthy, a lot of work could be done not only for others but
also
 for their own family and future
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
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. Eventually, putting
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
in
Change preposition
into
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 anything is much more
Correct your spelling
important
imortant
Correct your spelling
important
Submitted by amandeepkaur6581 on

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task achievement
Ensure that your introduction clearly states your position on the topic. The opening statements are somewhat vague and the thesis could be clearer.
coherence cohesion
Make use of paragraphs effectively. The essay would benefit from clearer topic sentences that signal the main point of each paragraph.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. This will make your argument stronger and more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Review basic grammar and sentence structure. There are numerous grammatical errors and awkward phrasings that hinder readability.
coherence cohesion
Use more complex sentence structures and a wider range of vocabulary to enhance your argument and make it more engaging.
task achievement
The essay attempts to address multiple dimensions of the topic, including philanthropy, education, and cultural preservation.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion ties back to the main points discussed in the body paragraphs, reinforcing the overall argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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