IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is common nowadays for each member of family to have their own peace of modern technology. Some people think that this will lead to a break down in the family relationships and communication to what extent do you agree or disagree.

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It has become a recent trend that each family member has their own electric
devices
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device
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, which has become a primary reason for the corruption of their
relationships
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 and
communication
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. I partially support
this
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 view, for more prolonged hours they spend in isolation negatively affects how they communicate regardless of modern
technology
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 encouraging their
relationships
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 in a more creative way. On the one hand, the growing possession of electric devices in
family
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the family
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 leads to their
seperation
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separation
 as they lack actual interactions.
In other words
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, they are less motivated to talk with one another when they are provided with a range of services from online games to shopping by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent technologies.
For instance
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, almost 30% of young adults in Japan spend as long as 10 hours a day using smartphones mainly for SNS, which discourages them from building intimate
relationships
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 with their parents and siblings.
Furthermore
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, their
relationships
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 are aggravated and some of them even act violently as they lose trust
on
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in
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 them with their growing addiction to modern
technology
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.
On the other hand
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, current
technology
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 often leads to a better understanding as they have made
communication
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 more flexible. Indeed, the appearance of new technologies allows people to talk
like
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in
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 a
rea-llife coversation
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real-life conversation
 thanks to
a
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the
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 high quality of cameras and recordings, making them satisfied without a sense of isolation. To illustrate
this
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, children staying overseas are more likely to appreciate
support
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the support
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 from parents as they can receive
encourgement
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encouragement
 from
virutal
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virtual
 conversations with various pictures and videos.
Therefore
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,
technology
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 has made
communication
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 much easier, allowing family to share mutual information to deepen their understanding. In conclusion, I somewhat believe that modern
technology
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 damages family
relationships
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due to
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 the lack of face-to-face
communication
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.
However
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, it
also
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encourges
Correct your spelling
encourages
 them to interact more freely so they have a deeper understanding of each other.

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task achievement
While your essay provides a balanced approach to the topic, the argument could be strengthened by providing more specific examples or statistical data in addition to the Japanese example. Including counter-arguments and addressing them could also make the discussion more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, you could improve the transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to guide the reader smoothly from one point to another.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a slightly clearer structure, with each paragraph focusing on a single main idea. This would help to make your argument even more coherent and easier to follow for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
task achievement
The points you make are well-supported and relevant, providing a solid foundation for your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view, addressing both the positive and negative aspects of modern technology in family relationships.
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