It is common nowadays for each member of family to have their own peace of modern technology. Some people think that this will lead to a break down in the family relationships and communication to what extent do you agree or disagree.

It has become a recent trend that each family member has their own electric
devices
Fix the agreement mistake
device
show examples
, which has become a primary reason for the corruption of their
relationships
and
communication
. I partially support
this
view, for more prolonged hours they spend in isolation negatively affects how they communicate regardless of modern
technology
encouraging their
relationships
in a more creative way. On the one hand, the growing possession of electric devices in
family
Add an article
the family
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leads to their
seperation
Correct your spelling
separation
as they lack actual interactions.
In other words
, they are less motivated to talk with one another when they are provided with a range of services from online games to shopping by
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent technologies.
For instance
, almost 30% of young adults in Japan spend as long as 10 hours a day using smartphones mainly for SNS, which discourages them from building intimate
relationships
with their parents and siblings.
Furthermore
, their
relationships
are aggravated and some of them even act violently as they lose trust
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
them with their growing addiction to modern
technology
.
On the other hand
, current
technology
often leads to a better understanding as they have made
communication
more flexible. Indeed, the appearance of new technologies allows people to talk
like
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
rea-llife coversation
Correct your spelling
real-life conversation
thanks to
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
high quality of cameras and recordings, making them satisfied without a sense of isolation. To illustrate
this
, children staying overseas are more likely to appreciate
support
Add an article
the support
show examples
from parents as they can receive
encourgement
Correct your spelling
encouragement
from
virutal
Correct your spelling
virtual
conversations with various pictures and videos.
Therefore
,
technology
has made
communication
much easier, allowing family to share mutual information to deepen their understanding. In conclusion, I somewhat believe that modern
technology
damages family
relationships
due to
the lack of face-to-face
communication
.
However
, it
also
encourges
Correct your spelling
encourages
them to interact more freely so they have a deeper understanding of each other.
Submitted by mizuho on

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task achievement
While your essay provides a balanced approach to the topic, the argument could be strengthened by providing more specific examples or statistical data in addition to the Japanese example. Including counter-arguments and addressing them could also make the discussion more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, you could improve the transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to guide the reader smoothly from one point to another.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a slightly clearer structure, with each paragraph focusing on a single main idea. This would help to make your argument even more coherent and easier to follow for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
task achievement
The points you make are well-supported and relevant, providing a solid foundation for your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view, addressing both the positive and negative aspects of modern technology in family relationships.

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