It is common nowadays for each member of family to have their own peace of modern technology. Some people think that this will lead to a break down in the family relationships and communication to what extent do you agree or disagree.

It has become a recent trend that each family member has their own electric
devices
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device
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, which has become a primary reason for the corruption of their
relationships
and
communication
. I partially support
this
view, for more prolonged hours they spend in isolation negatively affects how they communicate regardless of modern
technology
encouraging their
relationships
in a more creative way. On the one hand, the growing possession of electric devices in
family
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the family
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leads to their
seperation
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separation
as they lack actual interactions.
In other words
, they are less motivated to talk with one another when they are provided with a range of services from online games to shopping by
the
Correct article usage
apply
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recent technologies.
For instance
, almost 30% of young adults in Japan spend as long as 10 hours a day using smartphones mainly for SNS, which discourages them from building intimate
relationships
with their parents and siblings.
Furthermore
, their
relationships
are aggravated and some of them even act violently as they lose trust
on
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in
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them with their growing addiction to modern
technology
.
On the other hand
, current
technology
often leads to a better understanding as they have made
communication
more flexible. Indeed, the appearance of new technologies allows people to talk
like
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in
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a
rea-llife coversation
Correct your spelling
real-life conversation
thanks to
a
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the
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high quality of cameras and recordings, making them satisfied without a sense of isolation. To illustrate
this
, children staying overseas are more likely to appreciate
support
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the support
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from parents as they can receive
encourgement
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encouragement
from
virutal
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virtual
conversations with various pictures and videos.
Therefore
,
technology
has made
communication
much easier, allowing family to share mutual information to deepen their understanding. In conclusion, I somewhat believe that modern
technology
damages family
relationships
due to
the lack of face-to-face
communication
.
However
, it
also
encourges
Correct your spelling
encourages
them to interact more freely so they have a deeper understanding of each other.
Submitted by mizuho on

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task achievement
While your essay provides a balanced approach to the topic, the argument could be strengthened by providing more specific examples or statistical data in addition to the Japanese example. Including counter-arguments and addressing them could also make the discussion more comprehensive.
coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, you could improve the transitions between ideas and paragraphs. Use a variety of linking words and phrases to guide the reader smoothly from one point to another.
coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a slightly clearer structure, with each paragraph focusing on a single main idea. This would help to make your argument even more coherent and easier to follow for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
task achievement
The points you make are well-supported and relevant, providing a solid foundation for your argument.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced view, addressing both the positive and negative aspects of modern technology in family relationships.
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