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Band 4.5

Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what citizens are saying and doing (for instance, through cellphone tracking and security. cameras. In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #citizens #cellphone #security #cameras #cases #people #development
In our century of technologies, most " of our daily
uses
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use
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 gadgets significantly mate to monitor our own behaviour,
most
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but most
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 of part of society is not
informated
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informed
information
 about it. But what particular advantages on disadvantages it
brings
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bring
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 to improve our world
.
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?
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 I think In my point of view, it is evident that the disadvantages
outweight
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outweigh
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the
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advantages. Those
type
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types
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 of monitoring have many drawbacks,
such
 as
:
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apply
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tanger
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danger
 to ordinary
people
 and conflicts about privacy. First of all, many comfortable of us believe that
its
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it
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 is comfortable to
to
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apply
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talk and
to
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do
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your
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our
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 activities knowing that information will not be spread away. So, the monitoring might make every person more isolated not only from other individuals
,
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apply
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 but
also
 from simply
to go
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going
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 outside worth.
For instance
, it is familiar to many of us to have rules in public places, like : schools,
universities
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or universities
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. and work placements. There, many
people
 are closed to
be
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being
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yourself
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themselves
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due to
 the awareness of breaking rules and
then
 getting
punishment
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punished
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. Another no less important drawback is the fact that many lie without private information will
make
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create
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 a lot of conflicts. There will be those
people
 that may try to be against
of
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apply
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monitoring, so it may
also
 cause danger to
inocents
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innocents
innocent
.
For
example
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example,
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 any wars
on
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or
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 revolutions in big countries were
mate
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made
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from
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by
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goverments
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governments
government
 which tried to limit
individuals
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individuals'
individual's
show examples
 possibilities,
that
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which
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 in the end caused conflicts that involved simple citizens.
To sum up
 everything above, I believe that monitoring is a big disadvantage that may involve
a
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an
show examples
 ordinary
people
. I hope there will be
less
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fewer
show examples
 monitored technologies in our world.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure of your essay by organizing your ideas more clearly. Consider using more paragraphs to separate different points.
coherence cohesion
Work on creating a clearer introduction and conclusion that encapsulates your main argument effectively.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Focus on making your arguments clear and comprehensive.
task achievement
Address the topic more completely by considering counterarguments and addressing them in your response.
task achievement
Your essay has a clear stance on the issue and you express your opinion consistently throughout.
coherence cohesion
The introduction establishes the topic, and the main points of your position are addressed, which indicates a good effort at coherence and cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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