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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie charts below describe the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

The pie charts below describe the online shopping sales for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003 and 2013. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
#sales #sectors #zealand #summarise #information #features #comparisons
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Pie charts
depicts
Change the verb form
depict
show examples
sales
Use synonyms
 in
onling
Correct your spelling
online
shop
Fix the agreement mistake
shops
show examples
 by retail sectors in New Zealand between 2003 and 2013.
Overall
Linking Words
,
travel
Use synonyms
 takes the big
part
Use synonyms
 of
sales
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
books
Use synonyms
takes
Change the verb form
take
show examples
 the
less
Correct word choice
lowest
show examples
 percentage, hen
books
Use synonyms
 slightly decreased and
travel
Use synonyms
 dropped,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
film
Use synonyms
 and
music
Use synonyms
 increased. In 2003
travel
Use synonyms
take
Wrong verb form
took
show examples
 the main
part
Use synonyms
 of
chart
Correct article usage
the chart
show examples
win
Wrong verb form
winning
show examples
 36% but in 2013 it decreased to 29%.
Books
Use synonyms
takes
Change the verb form
take
show examples
 the
less
Correct your spelling
lowest
show examples
part
Use synonyms
 of
me
Correct pronoun usage
my
show examples
 chart mir 19%, and increased in 2013
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 22%
film
Use synonyms
 and
music
Use synonyms
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 21 percent in 2003, but in 2013
it
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 increased to 33% Meanwhile, clothes decreased from 24% in 2003 to 16% in 2013. Online
sales
Use synonyms
 for retail sectors in New Zealand in 2003
illustrates
Correct subject-verb agreement
illustrate
show examples
 that
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
most
part
Use synonyms
 of
Use synonyms
sales
Correct article usage
the sales
show examples
 comes to
travel
Use synonyms
,
meanwhile
Add a comma
meanwhile,
show examples
books
Use synonyms
is
Change the verb form
are
show examples
 less.
film
Use synonyms
 and
Music
Use synonyms
 has 21% ha
while
Linking Words
 clothes 24%.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
show examples
 in 2013 There
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 big changes
film
Use synonyms
 and
music
Use synonyms
 became the most
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
chart
Correct article usage
the chart
show examples
 meanwhile clothes the less.
Submitted by akzharkynzhamal on

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words sales, travel, part, books, film, music with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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