IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

You should spend about 40 minutes on this task. Write about the following topic: Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience. Write at least 250 words.

#minutes #topic #children #hours #smartphones #case #development
Children
 spend hours every day on their
smartphones
. Since
smartphones
 are involved in enjoyable applications and games. To illustrate Snapchat, Instagram and Pubg. These are harmful for the
children
.
Therefore
 they shouldn'
t
 much spend time on
smartphones
. Seeing that
smartphones
 cause physical problems and some mental problems. After that
smartphones
 have many advantages and disadvantages.
Firstly
,
smartphones
 have many advantages. Seeing as
smartphones
 help to fun and education. To oversimplify,
while
 studying and playing games. Thereby
this
 issue remark to
children
. Later on, technology improved day by day.
However
,
smartphones
 are progress.
Hence
children
 should just use
smartphones
 for education and research to anything.
Secondly
,
smartphones
 have many disadvantages. Seeing as
smartphones
 have much radiation.
Therefore
 adults should give the time limit to the smartphone.
Also
,
smartphones
 are very extensive today. The circumstances have bad effects on the
children
. To clarify headache, back pain lazy eye etc. That's why
parents
 shouldn'
t
 consent to too much make use of the
smartphones
. All in all,
children
 don'
t
 use too many
smartphones
.
That physical
Correct determiner usage
Physical
show examples
 and mental health are significant for
children
's lives. From my point of view, I strongly believe that
parents
 must take care of
this
 issue. As an extra
parents
 should restrain to wield
smartphones
 in
this
 situation. Providing that
parents
 constrain
children
 in
this
 subject,
children
 will be more healthy in future life.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
 the contrary case,
children
 wouldn'
t
healthy
Add a missing verb
be healthy
show examples
. Taking everything into account all of us should be careful. We shouldn'
t
 spend too much time on
smartphones
. We must forget that health is the most essential and valuable in the world.
Submitted by eylulelveren7 on

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structure
Make sure your essay is well-organized with clear paragraphs for the introduction, body, and conclusion.
examples
Include specific examples or anecdotes to support your points, which will enhance your task achievement and relevance.
connections
Work on connecting your ideas more effectively to improve coherence and cohesion, using linking words and appropriate transitions.
introduction conclusion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps in understanding your main viewpoint.
task response
You have acknowledged both benefits and drawbacks of smartphone use, which shows a balanced approach to the topic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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