IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of differenr cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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The role of
music
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 in the world today is widely debated, with some
people
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 claiming that it is indeed a
way
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for
Change preposition
of
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 gathering the heritages and
generations
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.
However
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, I personally do not entirely accept
this
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 and I will explain why in
this
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 essay.
Firstly
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, we must consider the potential negatives of contact between cultures.
For instance
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, Indonesia has several cultures, they
had
Wrong verb form
have
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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special
music
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 instrumental and
tone
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tones
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 of
music
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 in many regions.
This
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 speciality
Add a missing verb
is cover
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cover
Replace the word
covered
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 under the songs they have in many regions of Indonesia.
Furthermore
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, there are numerous tensions between countries
claim
Correct pronoun usage
that claim
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 that the song has
the
Correct article usage
apply
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ownership of that country. For
examples
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example
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, the song “
rasa
Capitalize word
Rasa
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 sayange”
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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is claimed by Malaysia, but it is originally from Indonesia in the Papua region. In
this
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 case,
music
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 leads to resentment and distrust between nationalities, not
the
Correct article usage
a
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 good
way
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 to gather
the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
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. A
further
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 reason to be wary of
this
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 idea is the different
taste
Fix the agreement mistake
tastes
show examples
 of
music
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 among
generations
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. It is believed that the youth have different genres from the elderly.
For example
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, most of
young
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the young
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people
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 like pop
music
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,
while
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 the old
people
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 like country
music
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. It can be seen that those differences might not be the best
way
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 to converge the junior and senior.
Moreover
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, there is another
way
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 to put together the whole
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generations
Fix the agreement mistake
generation
show examples
 by talking
their
Change preposition
about their
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favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
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 things.
For example
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, the old
people
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 may tell the young
people
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 to go
beautiful
Change preposition
to beautiful
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 places for their vacations and eat
the
Correct article usage
apply
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delicious meals.
Hence
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, the taste
of
Change preposition
in
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music
Use synonyms
 among
generations
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 is different
due to
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 their
favorite
Change the spelling
favourite
show examples
 genres. In conclusion, it is said that
people
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 may not gather by
music
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due to
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 the different cultures and
taste
Fix the agreement mistake
tastes
show examples
 of
music
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 among the
generations
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.
However
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, there is another
way
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 to gather the
senior
Fix the agreement mistake
seniors
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 and
junior
Fix the agreement mistake
juniors
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such
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 as
place
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a place
the place
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 for
holiday
Add an article
a holiday
show examples
.

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coherence cohesion
To enhance coherence and cohesion, focus on connecting your supporting points more clearly to your main argument and using logical connectors between ideas. This will improve the logical structure of your essay.
task achievement
Ensure each supporting point is elaborated with sufficient depth and detail to fully address the task and strengthen your task response score. Consider including more comprehensive examples to illustrate your points.
introduction conclusion
Revise the conclusion to ensure a stronger summary of the main points discussed and a clear restatement of your stance on the topic. This helps in presenting a more compelling finish to your essay.
introduction conclusion
The essay has an adequate introduction and conclusion, which helps frame your argument and provides a clear entry and exit point for the reader.
task achievement
There are relevant, specific examples provided, such as the case of 'rasa sayange,' which illustrate your points well, enhancing the task achievement.
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