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Band 5

Some people say that music is a good way of bringing people of different cultures and ages together. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

#people #music #cultures #ages
There are ways to bring
people
 closer.
Hence
, many argue that
music
 is one of the ways to bring them with diverse cultures and ages together. In my opinion, I agree with the statement since
music
 can be a tool for communication and
people
 do not have to understand the
language
 used in the
music
 to enjoy it. I will explain my reasons in
below
Correct article usage
the below
show examples
 paragraphs.
First,
music
 could be a medium to communicate with others. Often, singers or
music
 producers produce a
song
 with a certain message they want to deliver. When the
song
 is released,
people
 can listen to it and convey the meaning of the
song
. Through
music
,
people
 can use the
lyrics
 or the instruments to communicate with
other
Correct pronoun usage
others
show examples
.
For instance
,
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
some social campaigns collaborated with famous singers to create a
song
 to promote their
campaign
. With the
campaign
song
, it is easier for
people
 to understand the purpose of the
campaign
 and attract them to participate in the
campaign
.
Therefore
, the
music
 could connect
people
 with various backgrounds to meet as they share the same interests.
Second,
music
 is a universal
language
 for everyone.
People
 do not have to understand the
language
 of the
song
lyrics
 to enjoy the
music
. They can understand the
music
 easily by listening to the played instruments.
Hence
, without understanding the
lyrics
, they still can get the emotions that the
music
 producer made
such
 a sad or happy
song
.
For example
, the growing trend of Korean Pop (K-Pop) songs. Almost everyone in the world enjoys listening to
K-Pop
Correct your spelling
K-pop
show examples
music
while
 still not understanding any Korean
lyrics
. Despite
cannot
Verb problem
not
show examples
understand
Wrong verb form
understanding
show examples
 and
speak
Wrong verb form
speaking
show examples
 the
language
,
people
 still be able to enjoy Korean pop.
Furthermore
, they can meet other
music
 enthusiasts and share their interest in
this
music
 genre with others. To summarise, I believe that
music
 should be an appropriate method to connect
people
 of different cultures and ages as there is no limitation to
understand
Wrong verb form
understanding
show examples
 the
language
 used in the musical
lyrics
.
Moreover
, it can be used to share moral or social messages to a wide society which includes
people
 from diverse backgrounds.
Submitted by salsabunga on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each point you make is clearly explained and linked to the central theme of your essay. This will help improve the logical structure and overall coherence of your essay.
task achievement
Try to create more balance in your argument by discussing both sides of the issue more thoroughly. This will enhance the task achievement by demonstrating a nuanced understanding of the topic.
introduction conclusion present
The essay's introduction clearly presents the topic and the writer's opinion.
relevant specific examples
You have selected relevant examples, such as the mention of K-pop, which illustrate your points effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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