IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many students like to get involved in extra- curricular activities at university such as social clubs and sports. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this?v

#students #extra- #activities #university #clubs #sports #v
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
There is an ongoing trend where a majority of
university
students
 tend to join social and sports
club
Fix the agreement mistake
clubs
show examples
 as an activity
besides
 classes.
This
 essay explains the advantages and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
disadvantages of getting involved in extra-curricular activities.
Although
clubs
 might offer more advantages, I believe that
academic
Fix the agreement mistake
academics
show examples
 should be the main focus in
university
. Joining a variety of
clubs
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
university
 brings social benefits, especially in networking.
Firstly
, they get to know a lot of other
students
 who choose the same
clubs
. Befriending and keeping in touch with people will open more opportunities in the future as they are your networks.
Furthermore
, meeting many people from different backgrounds helps to acknowledge the personality of each person, so it develops social awareness
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
.
In addition
 to that,
students
 will have pleasant memories during
university
 as they join
clubs
 where people share the same interests. Participating in multiple
clubs
 at once can
also
 bring a potential drawback to the
students'
Correct your spelling
student's
show examples
 academic performance. They might spend too much time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
managing the club or simply gathering with other club members to the point where they neglect classes and assignments.
This
 is an alarming phenomenon for Indonesian
students
 where they prioritize their desired
clubs
 more than education
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
many of them end up with bad grades and have to retake
class
Fix the agreement mistake
classes
show examples
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 year.
As a result
,
university
clubs
 can
bring
Verb problem
have
show examples
negative
Correct article usage
a negative
show examples
 impact
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
students
 if they become a priority. In conclusion, getting involved in many activities
besides
 classes offers numerous social benefits.
However
, I argue that
students
 should pay more attention to their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
 and prioritize academic progress.
Submitted by ameliahanakaru01 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider providing a better balance between the advantages and disadvantages discussed in your essay. This will improve the depth of your task response.
task achievement
Some points could benefit from more specific examples. For instance, mentioning a particular university club and its activities can add depth.
coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence to enhance coherence and make your essay easier to follow.
introduction conclusion
The introduction clearly outlines the topic and states the writer's position, which provides a clear framework for the essay.
logical structure
Good attempt at structuring the advantages and disadvantages into separate paragraphs, which aids in logical flow.
supported main points
The essay provides a well-rounded view of the topic by discussing both social and academic perspectives.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • extra-curricular activities
  • soft skills
  • teamwork
  • leadership
  • communication skills
  • workplace
  • mental and physical well-being
  • stress
  • physical fitness
  • balanced lifestyle
  • academic performance
  • network
  • time mismanagement
  • academic responsibilities
  • financial strain
  • membership fees
  • equipment purchases
  • travel expenses
What to do next:
Look at other essays: