Topic: Some sociologists say that, it is a waste of time for students to pursue secondary education for 12 years. It is better to shorten it to 9 years only, then go to vocational school to learn a skill applied in their jobs or go to university to get a degree. To what extent do you agree with this?

#topic #sociologists #waste #time #students #education #years #school #skill #jobs #university

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Somepople

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People

argue that the duration of compulsory

education

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is way too long

these day

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this day

these days

show examples

and

this

Linking Words

does not give actual

soultion

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solution

solutions

chilren

Correct your spelling

children

about

there

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their

show examples

future. So It is better for them to make it short.

However

Linking Words

, I firmly believe

The

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

basal

education

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is really important to grow the

children

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's view about their life.

This

Linking Words

is a more persuasive argument than the former for some reasons. On the

Correct your spelling

one

show examples

hand. They think that The longer primary

education

Use synonyms

, The more

through

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apply

show examples

the

Correct article usage

apply

show examples

time and money

out

Rephrase

they have

show examples

. Because

children

Use synonyms

must have social experience and grow their personal strength to improve

themsleves

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themselves

while

Linking Words

education

Use synonyms

councill

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council

theach

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teaches

children

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the same basic academic theory to everyone.

For example

Linking Words

, To make

strong

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a strong

show examples

personality

and

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apply

show examples

diffrent

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different

from

other

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others

show examples

, It is essential for students to leave the rigid class and get their own perspective and journey.

In contrast

Linking Words

It is clear that

Linking Words

there is a supposed process to reach the goal.

This

Linking Words

is like a stair, So we should climb it one by one. before

children

Use synonyms

choose

thier

Correct your spelling

their

future

study

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studies

show examples

, they must

done

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show examples

at least

fundermental

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financial

subjects to choose

better

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a better

show examples

choice.

Additioanlly

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Additionally

, It is likely to take 12

years

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I believe, because the ability of people's

brain

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brains

show examples

extend

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extends

show examples

from about 8

years

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old to 20

years

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old.

Following

Linking Words

this

Linking Words

, 12

years

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is the minimum

years

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learing

Correct your spelling

learning

in elementary school to expect them to get basic intelligence. In conclusion, It is apparent that

Shorten

Wrong verb form

Shortening

show examples

the year for compulsory school

benefit

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benefits

show examples

minimalize

Verb problem

minimise

show examples

the time to reach their simple goal,

while

Linking Words

cause

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causes

show examples

the weaken their knowledge about the classic academic concepts and life.

Submitted by yhj000801 on Wed Oct 09 2024

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grammar

Work on minimizing spelling and grammatical errors to enhance clarity and comprehension.

examples

Include more specific examples to strengthen your argument and back up your points effectively.

support

Ensure all main points presented are well developed and supported throughout the essay.

structure

The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.

task

You've tackled both sides of the argument, providing a balanced view.

coherence

There is a logical progression of ideas which helps guide the reader through the essay.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

7
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
3
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
30
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 5.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 4.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 5.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

265 words

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As the number of private cars has increased, so too has the level of pollution in many cities. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem?

The image explains how Pu-erh ripe tea and raw tea are made

With deforestation, urban development and illegal hunting, many animal species are becoming endangered as they lose their habitat and some are even treatened to the point of extinction. Do you think it is important to protect animals? What measures can be taken to deal with this problem?