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Band 1.5

Parent, usually mothers, give up work, choose to stay home and look after families. Some people think the government should give them salary, others disagree. Discuss both and give your opinion?

#parent #mothers #work #home #families #people #government #salary
Some people believe that the government should provide parents with
salary
Correct article usage
a salary
show examples
 because they serve their families.
Generally
Add a comma
Generally,
show examples
mothers
 sacrifice their careers to raise their children. They resign from their work to stay home and take care of their families.
Therefore
, providing them with
salary
Correct article usage
a salary
show examples
 will help them to get
Add an article
the
a
show examples
reward
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
.
For example
, the government of Bangladesh has declared monthly salaries for new
mothers
 who are spending their
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
to raise
Change the verb form
raising
show examples
 their newborn babies. The government consider it a significant duty and
provide
Correct subject-verb agreement
provides
show examples
salary
Fix the agreement mistake
salaries
show examples
 to
mothers
 as a reward. I believe that the new
mothers
 should have
this
 reward.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, the essay would benefit from a more clearly defined introduction and conclusion. Ensure to introduce the topic at the beginning and summarize your discussion and opinion at the end.
task achievement
In terms of task achievement, the essay should cover both perspectives on the topic. While the case of Bangladesh is mentioned, further exploration of the opposing view is necessary to provide a balanced discussion.
task achievement
The example of Bangladesh's policy adds a relevant and specific example, supporting the argument effectively.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas when discussing the government providing salaries to stay-at-home parents.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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