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Band 3.5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. However, others believe that schools are the place to learn this. Discuss both views and give your own thoughts.

#people #parents #children #members #society #schools #place #thoughts
Children are good students for learning new information. Some information must be
learning
Wrong verb form
learned
show examples
 home to give an example thanking a cashier or
apologize
Wrong verb form
apologising
show examples
 when mistakes are made. Families should teach social
etiquette
 at home and encourage
to
Correct pronoun usage
them to
show examples
 practice it. Some families think that social
etiquette
 should be taught in
school
, just like
school
lessons
. In my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
this
 idea is wrong because
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 must
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
teach
school
lessons
 and
teaches
Correct subject-verb agreement
teach
show examples
 social
etiquette
 just like a regular lesson. The student thinks of these as
lessons
 to be taken in the exam and they will not be permanent. If
child
Add an article
a child
the child
show examples
is learn
Wrong verb form
learns
show examples
 at home
this
 social
etiquette
 is permanent because the
child
 does not think of it as a question to be asked in the exam. The
child
 spends
pleasent
Correct your spelling
pleasant
 time with parents
while
 learning. We must explain
this
 to our children carefully because the
child
 is o
sensivite
Correct your spelling
sensitive
. We should teach our children social
etiquette
 as parents, not as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teachers, and leave
school
lessons
 to the teachers. Trying to teach our primary
school
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 how to read and write and putting pressure on
you
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
 to be the best
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
.
Instead
, if you have a request from your friends at
school
, you should ask politely. It is best for your
child
 to teach good manners
such
 as, "You should not upset your friends, you should not apologize if you think you have upset them."
Submitted by kubrairmak287 on

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coherence cohesion
The essay provides an introduction and conclusion, but they could be more clearly defined and structured. Aim to explicitly introduce the topic and summarize your position clearly.
coherence cohesion
Include clearer topic sentences and transitions between paragraphs to improve the logical flow and cohesion of the essay.
task achievement
Enhance the use of examples to illustrate the points more effectively. Using specific scenarios or anecdotes could add clarity and relevance.
task achievement
Try to balance the discussion of both views more evenly and connect your personal opinion more clearly to the main discussion.
task achievement
The essay addresses both viewpoints regarding who should teach children social etiquette: parents or schools.
task achievement
The writer presents a clear personal opinion that parents should teach social etiquette at home.
task achievement
The essay recognizes the importance of teaching social etiquette through everyday interactions and family life.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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