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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

People aim to keep a balance between their work and other parts of their lives, but few people achieve it. What are the problems in trying to achieve this goal and how can these problems be overcome?

#people #aim #balance #work #parts #lives
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These days, there are fewer
people
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 who can achieve the lifestyle that requires them to strike a
balance
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 between career and other dimensions of their lives.
This
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 essay will elaborate on the disadvantages in the pursuit of
this
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 objective, and propose possible solutions to overcome these
problems
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. To embark on, there are manifold
problems
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 that
people
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 may deal with when they try to
balance
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 their
work
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 and personal
life
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.
Firstly
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, it is arduous to manage
work
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 alongside other
life
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 responsibilities. Because
,
Remove the comma
apply
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 both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
well
Change the adverb
good
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 performance at
work
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 and a perfect organisation for personal
life
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 demand
people
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 a great of
time
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 and effort.
Also
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, it is evident that maintaining a
balance
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 between
work
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 and other
life
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 activities means that
people
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 have to allocate more
time
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for
Change preposition
to
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 various areas of their
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life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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instead
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 of
themselve
Correct your spelling
themselves
. The fear of not catching an unwind
time
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 hinders
people
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 from finding a
balance
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 between
work
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 and
life
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.
Furthermore
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, the pressure from the workplace can make
people
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 exhausted, so they have no energy left for other
life
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 aspects.
Therefore
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, the idea of harmonizing
work
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 and personal
life
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 can drive
people
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 extremely stressed, and overwhelmed.
However
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, many solutions could be taken to eradicate these
problems
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. First of all, the government and professors should give more speeches on the benefits of achieving the
balance
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 between
work
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 duties and
life
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 activities, in order to raise
people
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’s awareness about it.
For instance
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,
people
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 should be suggested that spending
time
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for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 their families and friends after
work
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 can strengthen their bonds with families and friends.
Secondly
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,
people
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 should form a habit of making a timetable, which can help them manage
time
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 effectively, so they don’t have to be afraid of being snowed under with
work
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 but
also
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 have
time
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 for the other aspects of their lives. In conclusion, it is tough to achieve equilibrium between
work
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 and
life
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 activities,
due to
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 the various
problems
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people
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 can face when trying to achieve
this
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.
Nevertheless
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, these
problems
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 can be solved if
people
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’s awareness is raised properly, and they alter to better habits.
Submitted by elsenglish16992 on

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task achievement
Try to incorporate more specific examples or case studies to strengthen your points. This will enhance the depth and clarity of your argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure consistency in tone and vocabulary usage throughout the essay to improve clarity and cohesiveness.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion effectively frame the essay, providing a clear understanding of the topic and summarizing your points well.
task achievement
You've addressed different aspects of the problem and proposed practical solutions, showing a good grasp of the topic.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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