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Band 5.5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programmes (for example working for a charity, improving the neighbourhood or teachign sports to younger children). To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #community #service #part #school #programmes #charity #neighbourhood #teachign #sports #children
Some
people
 believe that free
community
service
 should be a compulsory
part
 of
high
Add an article
the high
show examples
school
 curriculum.
Such
 as working for a charity, improving
neighbourhood
Add an article
the neighbourhood
show examples
 or teaching sports to younger children. I completely agree with
this
 viewpoint because taking
part
 in an unpaid
community
service
 helps
students
 to
practice
 teamwork and it enhances their empathy. Compulsory voluntary
community
service
 in
school
Correct article usage
the school
show examples
 curriculum helps
students
 to
practice
 teamwork. They learn
skills
requiring
Wrong verb form
required
show examples
 for working in a team. They learn to respect the opinions of others,
Correct word choice
and take
show examples
take
Correct your spelling
make
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
shared
decision
Fix the agreement mistake
decisions
show examples
while
 working in a team. These
skills
 are useful for their future professional careers.
For example
,
school
 curriculums in Australia make it mandatory for the
students
 to take
part
 in neighbourhood gardening. These curriculums develop the
skills
 of
students
 to work in a group, and
this
practice
 helps in their future professional lives.
Moreover
, working in
community
service
 without payment helps
students
 to build empathy. They become sensible human beings
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and show kindness towards others. Because
while
 providing free
service
 in a charity or in a neighbourhood, they connect with less fortunate
people
. They become empathetic to poor
people
 and
this
help
Change the verb form
helps
show examples
 them to become sensible human beings.
For instance
,
school
students
 in Bangladesh take
part
 in distributing food to
impoverish
Replace the word
impoverished
show examples
people
 as a
part
 of their
school
 syllabus.
This
practice
 makes them good human beings and they learn to show
respecta
Correct your spelling
respect
nd
Correct your spelling
and
show examples
 kindness to them.
To conclude
,
school
students
 should take
part
 in compulsory free
community
 work.
This
practice
 makes them empathetic and increases their group work
skills
.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Improve sentence variety and reduce repetition for better fluency.
Task Achievement
Make sure to address counterarguments or opposing viewpoints for a more balanced discussion.
Coherence & Cohesion
Well-organized essay with clear introduction and conclusion.
Task Achievement
The essay provides specific examples from real-world contexts.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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