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Band 5.5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#say #people #age #work
The age of retirement is different all around the world. Many
people
live
Wrong verb form
have lived
show examples
 much longer than before in the
last
 decades. On the one hand, raising the age of working is perfect to
work
 more to earn money and feel useful in humans.
On the other hand
, human bodies need to break after many
years
 of hard
work
, and it is a physical situation to stay at home and just enjoy the rest of
their
Correct pronoun usage
your
show examples
 life.
This
 essay will be written about
this
 subject
then
 I will give my opinion.
First,
the body of humans cannot be active after they are getting old. Statistically, the efficiency of working decreases after 40.
Additionally
,
people
 must rest and spend their time to bring their health back after working for many
years
.
Therefore
,
for
this
 reason, I recommend the phase of working is not related to the stage of living. The physical power gets lost after many ages of doing a job.
Second,
any jobs need new workers or those who
work
 for their companies. Obviously, if somebody works for many
years
then
 there are no new job positions for younger.
Thus
, older
people
 must
work
 for specific
years
then
 they should teach their experiences to newer
people
.
As a result
, the 30
years
 of experience will be given to the next generation
in addition
this
 cycle will happen and make incredible results for any company. In conclusion, in my opinion, the age of retirement is not related to the phase of living. Many reasons show us why we have to give the opportunity to younger to fill the oldest job positions. In my point of view,
people
 need
break
Add an article
a break
show examples
 for the rest of life after working many
years
 for the government and they should spend their leisure time with their family members and grandchildren.
Submitted by sarvin.rahimi9898 on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points. Using examples can make your arguments more convincing and relatable.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph flows logically from one to the next. You may want to use more transitional phrases or linking words to improve coherence and cohesion.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps frame the argument and provide closure on the topic.
task achievement
Your ideas are articulated clearly, which makes your position on the topic understandable.
task achievement
The essay presents both sides of the argument, which demonstrates a balanced view and depth of thought.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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