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Band 5

Some people asert that it is good for college students to have part-time jobs. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #asert #college #students #jobs
Some people insist that it is beneficial for college
students
have
Add the particle
to have
show examples
 part-time
jobs
. I totally agree with
this
 idea for several reasons like working
experience
 and acknowledging the value of
money
.
Firstly
, having working
experience
 is
good
Add an article
a good
show examples
 method to be a social member. It means
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
students
 have to learn the way to interact with other people in working place. Without those
experiece
Correct your spelling
experience
experiences
, they could have
Add an article
a
show examples
hard time to adjust
real world
Add a hyphen
real-world
show examples
 society.
For example
, I read an article that highlighted the fact that companies prefer to hire
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
enployee
Correct your spelling
employees
 who have plenty of
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
experience
 than
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 do not
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since they want
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
new
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 who are socialized enough.
In other words
,
students
 who have various working
experience
Fix the agreement mistake
experiences
show examples
 could get
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to be hired
than
Correct quantifier usage
more than
show examples
 others.
Secondly
,
students
 had to know the value of
money
. Nowadays, many teenagers
received
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
money
 from their parents. They do not know how hard their parents worked to earn
money
. So they easily waste
money
.
For instance
, there is
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
research that the teen who
earn
Change the verb form
earns
show examples
money
 by themselves spend less
money
then
Correct your spelling
than
show examples
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
received
Wrong verb form
receive
show examples
money
 from their parents. It means that if they have part-time
jobs
, they
realised
Wrong verb form
realise
show examples
 how hard to earn
money
 and
changed
Wrong verb form
change
show examples
 their tendency to save
money
.
To sum up
,
it is clear that
 there are many advantages of having part-time
jobs
.
Young-agers
Correct your spelling
Young agers
show examples
 should be raised as an adult who can stand
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own foot. They could
inhence
Correct your spelling
enhance
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 chance of employment and stand the
ecomonic
Correct your spelling
economic
 concept by having part-time
jobs
. For these reasons, I strongly agree that having part-time
jobs
 is good for
students
.
Submitted by semimama on

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task achievement
Consider adding more detailed examples or evidence to support your main points. This will strengthen your argument and make it more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Review and refine sentence structures to enhance clarity and fluency. This might help in making your essay read more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The essay introduces the topic clearly and provides a conclusion that summarizes the main points effectively.
task achievement
The writer effectively presents a clear position on the topic and maintains it throughout the essay.
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