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Writing Samples
Band 4

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relativity large number of young adults convert with the number of older people do the advantages of this situation outweight the disadvantages

#time #population #countries #relativity #adults #people #situation #outweight
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Recently, young
people
Use synonyms
 population have increased in some countries compared with elderly
people
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 it has positive aspects, especially financially, it could lead to
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of experimental
worker
Fix the agreement mistake
workers
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. on the one hand,
increasing
Add an article
an increasing
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 number of adults
mean
Change the verb form
means
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 more workers and more fresh-mindes in
country
Add an article
the country
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,
while
Linking Words
 older
people
Use synonyms
 burden the government with their retirement salaries and their health expenditures. Young
people
Use synonyms
 can contribute to economic growth by
provide
Change the verb form
providing
show examples
 working hands and their taxes.
For example
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 most leading scientific research, increasing young
people
Use synonyms
 leads to new businesses and more development, which provide financial
benefit
Fix the agreement mistake
benefits
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 to whole communities.
Additionally
Linking Words
, more young
people
Use synonyms
 mean many new and fresh ideas, because young age
people
Use synonyms
 are always curious and passionate, and they find new ways to create innovations.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, the lack of elderly means the lack of experimental and skilled workers, which could lead to leaning more toward foreign experts
instead
Linking Words
 of local ones.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, these phenomena
also
Linking Words
 affect individuals and families. Those
people
Use synonyms
 provide
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
warmth and caring, especially with their wisdom and experiences. They can strengthen community bonds.
For instance
Linking Words
, families depend mainly on their grandparents to take care of their children
while
Linking Words
 they are working. If they depend on other
people
Use synonyms
, they will not guarantee
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good treatment or make sure their children are getting the best caring.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 there are many great advantages of increasing
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 population, there are
also
Linking Words
 downsides
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 decreasing the number of older ones.
Submitted by adianalmozan on

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Coherence & Cohesion
Work on improving the logical flow by using more transition words and phrases to connect your ideas smoothly.
Task Achievement
Ensure all key points are thoroughly supported with relevant examples to strengthen your argument.
Language Use
Double-check for grammatical errors and awkward phrasings for a more polished response.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly addresses the prompt by discussing both advantages and disadvantages.
Coherence & Cohesion
A clear introduction and conclusion are present, giving the essay a solid structure.
Task Achievement
The examples used are relevant and add value to the argument presented.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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