IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

The charts below show the mortality rate by age and gender in Africa in 1950, 1980, and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feathures, and make comparisons where relevant.

The charts below show the mortality rate by age and gender in Africa in 1950, 1980, and 2010. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main feathures, and make comparisons where relevant.
#show #mortality #rate #age #gender #africa #summarise #information #feathures #comparisons
These bar charts give information concerning mortality rates in Africa by factors;
age
 and gender, in 1950, 1980 and 2010. When it comes to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
age
, it seems there is a
possitive
Correct your spelling
positive
 relationship between mortality rates and
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
, percentages of death
raised
Verb problem
increased
show examples
 as
age
 became higher. It means
oldest
Correct article usage
the oldest
show examples
 group shows the greatest mortality rate among all
age
 groups. The only exception was shown in
Correct article usage
the 20's
show examples
20's
Change noun form
20
show examples
 group; kept remaining about 10% and below. During the 60 years, the whole
age
 group had been
experience
Change the verb form
experiencing
experienced
show examples
decrease
Correct article usage
a decrease
show examples
it
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 portion.
On the other hand
, male death
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 were higher than
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
 in
whole
Add an article
the whole
show examples
 period. In 1950, the gap was more than 20%.
However
, the difference between men and women
were
Correct subject-verb agreement
was
show examples
 getting smaller as time went by. In 2010, it seems only about 2% gap was shown.
Overall
, the
morality
Correct your spelling
mortality
show examples
 rates
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
differed by
age
 and gender; the older
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 were likely to be
death
Replace the word
dead
show examples
.
However
, its rate
were descended
Wrong verb form
decreased
show examples
 as time went by.
Submitted by semimama on

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words age with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fourth paragraph.
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