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Band 6.5

The graph below shows the percentage of people visiting GYM once a month or more between 1984 to 2003.

The graph below shows the percentage of people visiting GYM once a month or more between 1984 to 2003.
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The given graph illustrates the information percentage which people
went
Correct pronoun usage
who went
show examples
 to the gym in a twenty-year
period
Use synonyms
 from 1984 to 2003.
Overall
Linking Words
, there are four mains
experienced
Wrong verb form
experiencing
show examples
 different trends, and the group of 18-23 and 24-33
age
Use synonyms
 have been volatile,
while
Linking Words
 the group of 34-43 and 44-53
age
Use synonyms
 have tended to increase.
According to
Linking Words
 the given data, the percentage of
age
Use synonyms
 24-33 possessed 17 per
cent
Use synonyms
. Following 4 years later, it increased to 24 per
cent
Use synonyms
, and slightly dropped to 20 per
cent
Use synonyms
 by 1998, which had a strong upward trend
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
 and was
also
Linking Words
 the highest percentage in the graph.
Additionally
Linking Words
,
Use synonyms
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
 18-23 had 15 per
cent
Use synonyms
 at the start of the
period
Use synonyms
, and
thereafter
Linking Words
 there was
also
Linking Words
 an up and down like
23
Correct article usage
the 23
show examples
-33
age
Use synonyms
 group, which the highest reached was 25%, and declined to around 18 per
cent
Use synonyms
 by 2010. To follow other groups , both the 34-43 and 44-53
age
Use synonyms
 groups had the same development trend. At the beginning of the
period
Use synonyms
, these groups had 7 and 5 per
cent
Use synonyms
. In 1994,
this
Linking Words
 number had no changes
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and
then
Linking Words
 rose slightly by 2 per
cent
Use synonyms
, reached 9 and 7 per
cent
Use synonyms
, which continued to grow towards the end of the
period
Use synonyms
 reaching 10 and 7% respectively.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words period, age, cent with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "trends" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increase" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • percentage
  • trend
  • gym attendance
  • frequency
  • increase/decrease
  • fluctuation
  • peak
  • gender disparity
  • societal norms
  • lifestyle changes
  • fitness industry
  • patterns
  • economic factors
  • public health campaigns
  • technology advancements
  • accessibility
  • workout regimes
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