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Band 5

Nowadays, children spend too much time watching TV and playing computer games. Some people believe this has negative effects on children's mental abilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

#children #time #tv #computer #games #people #effects #abilities #disagree？
Nowadays
children
 spend too much
time
 watching TV and playing computer games, and
while
 some people think that
this
 has a negative impact on
children
's intelligence, I largely agree with them, and I will talk about them in terms of both physical and mental
health
. In terms of physical
health
, if
children
 use electronic products,
such
 as computers and televisions for a long
time
, their
eyes
 will be tired from looking at blue screens for a long
time
, and
children
 will have the opportunity to suffer from
eyes
Fix the agreement mistake
eye
show examples
 diseases
will
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have the opportunity to suffer from
eyes
 diseases
such
 as glaucoma and nearsightedness, which will affect the development and
health
 of
children
's
eyes
.
In addition
,
children
 sitting in chairs for a long
time
 playing computer games or watching TV will lead to
increased
Correct article usage
an increased
show examples
 risk of multiple chronic diseases and neck and back muscle fatigue
due to
long-trem
Correct your spelling
long-term
 sitting and not exercising, which can affect the physical
health
 of young
children
. In terms of mental, some psychologists said that if
children
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 TV or
playing
Wrong verb form
play
show examples
 computer games for a long
time
, the watchtube will be excited by watching the electronic screen, and it
under
Add a missing verb
is under
show examples
 the strong influence of the screen, and it will
also
 increase the chance of the
children
 suffering from overactivity.
In addition
, some psychologists have pointed out that if young
children
 are overly addicted to the online
world
, they will appear in a state of maxing
the
Change preposition
out the
show examples
 real
world
 with the virtual
world
, which is
also
 what we call a mental illness
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
fantasy.
This
 type of psychosis refers to the
inabillity
Correct your spelling
inability
 of young
children
 to determine for themselves whether they are in a real imaginary
world
, and they will bring many objects from the imaginary
world
 into the real
world
 through fantasy, and
this
 mental illness will affect the intelligence of young
children
 to a large extent.
Submitted by asllchkied on

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task achievement
While the essay provides a clear stance, it could benefit from a more nuanced discussion of the opposing views and a clearer concession to increase balance.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logically connects to the next paragraph. This will improve the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
Clarify your points with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both physical and mental aspects, covering a broad range related to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, maintaining a clear structure in presenting arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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