IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays, children spend too much time watching TV and playing computer games. Some people believe this has negative effects on children's mental abilities. To what extent do you agree or disagree？

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Nowadays
children
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 spend too much
time
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 watching TV and playing computer games, and
while
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 some people think that
this
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 has a negative impact on
children
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's intelligence, I largely agree with them, and I will talk about them in terms of both physical and mental
health
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. In terms of physical
health
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, if
children
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 use electronic products,
such
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 as computers and televisions for a long
time
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, their
eyes
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 will be tired from looking at blue screens for a long
time
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, and
children
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 will have the opportunity to suffer from
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eyes
Fix the agreement mistake
eye
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 diseases
will
Verb problem
apply
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have the opportunity to suffer from
eyes
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 diseases
such
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 as glaucoma and nearsightedness, which will affect the development and
health
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 of
children
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's
eyes
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.
In addition
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,
children
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 sitting in chairs for a long
time
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 playing computer games or watching TV will lead to
increased
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an increased
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 risk of multiple chronic diseases and neck and back muscle fatigue
due to
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long-trem
Correct your spelling
long-term
 sitting and not exercising, which can affect the physical
health
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 of young
children
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. In terms of mental, some psychologists said that if
children
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watching
Wrong verb form
watch
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 TV or
playing
Wrong verb form
play
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 computer games for a long
time
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, the watchtube will be excited by watching the electronic screen, and it
under
Add a missing verb
is under
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 the strong influence of the screen, and it will
also
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 increase the chance of the
children
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 suffering from overactivity.
In addition
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, some psychologists have pointed out that if young
children
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 are overly addicted to the online
world
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, they will appear in a state of maxing
the
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out the
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 real
world
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 with the virtual
world
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, which is
also
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 what we call a mental illness
as
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apply
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fantasy.
This
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 type of psychosis refers to the
inabillity
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inability
 of young
children
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 to determine for themselves whether they are in a real imaginary
world
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, and they will bring many objects from the imaginary
world
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 into the real
world
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 through fantasy, and
this
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 mental illness will affect the intelligence of young
children
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 to a large extent.

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task achievement
While the essay provides a clear stance, it could benefit from a more nuanced discussion of the opposing views and a clearer concession to increase balance.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence and logically connects to the next paragraph. This will improve the overall flow of the essay.
task achievement
Clarify your points with more specific examples or evidence to strengthen the argument.
task achievement
The essay addresses both physical and mental aspects, covering a broad range related to the topic.
coherence cohesion
Each body paragraph focuses on a specific aspect, maintaining a clear structure in presenting arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • screen time
  • cognitive development
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • attention span
  • academic tasks
  • problem-solving skills
  • creativity
  • social skills
  • mental health
  • excessive exposure
  • interactive learning
  • content quality
  • behavioral issues
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