Present time the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults coma compared with the number of older people does the advantage of this situation outweigh the disadvantages.

Nowadays,
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
of
people
in various countries tend to
be increased
Wrong verb form
increase
show examples
in young adults getting
coma
Fix the agreement mistake
comas
show examples
rather than older
people
. Some
people
thought
this
incident
is
Verb problem
would
show examples
leading
Wrong verb form
lead
show examples
to a catastrophe in the future
due to
younger age get gap getting sick.
On the other hand
, some
people
thought
Wrong verb form
think
show examples
this
circumstance
infers
Verb problem
implies
show examples
that older
people
have no need for medical treatment anymore and
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
a sign
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
the better in hospitality
technology
. In my opinion, the
drawback
Fix the agreement mistake
drawbacks
show examples
outweigh the
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
. Normally, adolescents tend to be stronger than old folk
due to
their biological structure still
in
Add a missing verb
being in
show examples
shape and
compare
Wrong verb form
compared
show examples
to the old that have passed their erosion
such
as back pain
and
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
etc. newer
people
are more determined.
Then
if the younger population is having a
coma
that would be unusual since
coma
mostly
affect
Correct subject-verb agreement
affects
show examples
in adulthood to late old. There may be a lot of reasons
for instance
overload work or no
work life
Add a hyphen
work-life
show examples
balance.
This
lead
Replace the word
leads
show examples
young
people
to be in
coma
Correct article usage
a coma
show examples
state faster than they should and
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
show examples
a bad sign for future
generation
Fix the agreement mistake
generations
show examples
.
However
, some
people
think
otherwise
. They thought the result
come
Wrong verb form
came
show examples
from an
advanced
Replace the word
advancement
show examples
in modern
technology
that make older
people
who mostly have been treated before less likely to be in
coma
Add an article
a coma
show examples
. As for younger
people
, they presumed that these new don't have been treated to
newest
Correct article usage
the newest
show examples
hospitality yet
such
as vaccination or examination.
Hence
, why there are more
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
young who
felt
Wrong verb form
feel
show examples
coma
than the old. After they
recieve treatmet
Correct your spelling
receive treatment
correctly they will gain their strength back and their immune system will be better than
bofore
Correct your spelling
before
leading to less illness.
Altough
Correct your spelling
Although
some may argue that if the circumstance is solely coming from advancing modern
technology
then
why
younger
Add a missing verb
do younger
show examples
people
still have
coma
Correct article usage
a coma
show examples
.
Change the punctuation
?
show examples
Instead
, the
overall
popualtion
Correct your spelling
population
getting
coma
should decline for all
age
Fix the agreement mistake
ages
show examples
as
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
technology
advance
Correct subject-verb agreement
advances
show examples
for everyone. In conclusion, the younger population tend to be in
coma
Add an article
a coma
show examples
than the old
lead
Replace the word
leading
show examples
to
be sign
Wrong verb form
signs
show examples
for advancing
Change preposition
of advances
show examples
in
technology
.
In contrast
, it
aslo
Correct your spelling
also
refers to an overload
this
young
gerneration
Correct your spelling
generation
has to go through.
Moreover
, the
technology
advancing may not be
appliable
Replace the word
applicable
show examples
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
every age gap.
Hence
, the more drawbacks
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
situation.
Submitted by krittaphastaishan on

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task response
Your essay addresses the topic, but the main points could be explained with more clarity and precision. Work on ensuring that your arguments are fully developed and supported with precise examples.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow of the essay. Some sections feel disjointed or lack smooth transitions. Use transitional phrases and logical connectors to better guide the reader through your arguments.
task response
Further support your main points with specific examples or factual details to enhance your discussion. This will make your arguments more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present and summarize the main ideas, which is important for overall cohesion.
task achievement
Your essay attempts to discuss both sides of the argument, showing an understanding of different perspectives.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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