Childood obesity is an increasing problem in Australia as many as two thirds of children are now obese. Schools have a responsilbility to monitor what their students eat and the amount of exercise they do. To what extend do you agree to this statement?
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Childhood obesity in Australia is a serious bunch of people think that it is the duty of schools because they have to teach their students about new outdoor
problem
these days. However
, there are innumerable causes pertaining to it and if all
some stringent plans are not formulated and Correct determiner usage
apply
implimented
Correct your spelling
implemented
then
the problem
can even deteriorate and it can tell upon
Verb problem
affect
children
's health
. Besides
this
, majority
of people believe that Correct article usage
the majority
soul
responsibility of school staff Correct your spelling
the sole
to
resolve Add a missing verb
is to
this
problem
.
To begin
with , there are many reasons behind this
trend. As we all know that
today's era is Correct word choice
apply
competitive
era, in Add an article
a competitive
the competitive
this
parents are busy Correct determiner usage
apply
in
their hectic Change preposition
with
schedule
so that they do not have enough time to spend with their Fix the agreement mistake
schedules
children
. Subsequently
, their children
watch television, play video games and chit chat
with their friends. Add a hyphen
chit-chat
As a result
, not only
Correct word choice
apply
this
effect put
an adverse effect on their mental Verb problem
has
health
as well as
physical
Correct pronoun usage
their physical
health
. History reveals that in developing countries like Canada, Australia, and America where individuals run like a rat race to earn apt of money due to
their children
indulge
in illegal Wrong verb form
indulging
activities
.
In addition
to this
, these days youngsters like to play indoor activities
instead
of outdoor activities
because they do not have much friend circle ,they
live alone for more time at Correct word choice
and they
their
home which results in obesity. What is more, in developing nations like Australia and Canada masses like to live in small families Correct pronoun usage
apply
instead
of joint families their parents just put extra pressure on their juveniles to get high
standard of living including better employment, comfort and wealth. Add an article
a high
the high
Hence
, they do not focus on their
physical growth in which their Change the word
the
children
are facing difficulty .Moreover
, kids like to eat processed food because of taste and convienent
. Correct your spelling
convenience
However
, this
food is low in nutrition and high in calories.
On the contrary
side ,Add an article
a
activities
so that they improve their physical health
.Besides
this
, teachers ought to give homework so that students use less technology .
To recapitute
, it cannot be denied that Correct your spelling
recapitulate
this
problem
can be very well and effectively handled with the joint and collaborative efforts of parents, children
and teachers.Submitted by navdeepbajaj89 on
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task achievement
Your introduction does a good job of setting up the problem and acknowledging various viewpoints, but be clear about your stance on the responsibility of schools versus that of parents.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and that your points are logically connected. This will improve the flow of your writing.
task achievement
Examples provided could be more specific and directly tied to the main points to strengthen your arguments.
task achievement
You address multiple perspectives on the issue, mentioning both the role of parents and schools, which adds depth to your discussion.
coherence cohesion
The essay features a clear introduction and a strong conclusion, effectively framing your discussion.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example