IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Some people believe that in order to give opportunities to new generations, companies should encourage high level employees who are older than 55 to retire.Do you agree or disagree?

#people #opportunities #generations #companies #level #employees
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These days, a group of populations think that the best way that we can take a chance for youth to have
work
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 is for firms to make situations that people whose ages are more than fifty-five want to retire. I do not subscribe to
this
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 idea owing to the fact that old employees have a lot of experiences that help
companies
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 to improve;
moreover
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, most retirees have mental issues. On the one hand, the
companies
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 spend a great deal of
money
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 and
time
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 to generate a group of people who have a number of experiences that aid factories to develop immediately with high efficiency without wasting
money
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 ;
however
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, when the communities who are older than 55 do not
work
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, the businesses should invest
time
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 and
money
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 again; in fact, with
this
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 method after a long
time
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, all
companies
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 have to close.
On the other hand
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, if old populations retire at the age of more than 55, they cannot create their own businesses;
besides
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, they ought to spend all their
time
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 on unimportant
work
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.
In other words
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,The communities who are not able to
work
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 until their
time
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 and are not really old become mentally sick
due to
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 the fact that they believe that they lost their
time
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;
additionally
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, governments have to fund a majority of the cost of their treatment.
To sum up
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, in my opinion, the older generations have a lot of benefits for
companies
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such
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 as investing less
money
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 and
time
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 in teaching and working with high yield;
furthermore
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, the demerits of retirement have a negative effect on society.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Provide more relevant and specific examples to support your arguments and make your points clearer.
task achievement
Try to further enrich your ideas by providing clearer thoughts that could enhance comprehensiveness.
coherence cohesion
Good introduction and conclusion with clear stance.
coherence cohesion
Each paragraph is focused and relevant to the overall argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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