IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Too much emphasis is given for the education of students. More government money should be spent on free time activities for young people. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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There is an ongoing debate about whether
government
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the government
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 should prioritize educational funding or invest more heavily in recreational
activities
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 for young
people
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.
While
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 I agree that leisure
activities
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 play an essential role in
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development
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the development
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 of the youth, I firmly believe that
education
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 should remain the top priority for government spending. In
this
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 essay, I will elaborate on why
education
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 is crucial
while
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 acknowledging the benefits of free-time
activities
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.
To begin
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 with,
education
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 is the foundation upon which a prosperous society is built. By investing in
education
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, government equip young
people
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 with the
skills
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 and knowledge necessary to succeed in the workforce and contribute to
nation’s
Correct article usage
the nation’s
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 economic growth.Educated individuals are more likely to find stable employment, innovate, and improve their quality of life.
For instance
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, countries like Finland, which have heavily invested in
education
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, boast high literacy
rate
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rates
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 and a thriving economy.
Therefore
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, ensuring that all children have access to quality
education
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 should be
government’s
Correct article usage
the government’s
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 primary concern.
Moreover
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,
education
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 fosters critical thinking,
problem solving
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problem-solving
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skills
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, and decision-making
skills
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, all of which are essential in
increasingly
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an increasingly
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 complex world.These abilities are indispensable not only for personal
development
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 but
also
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 for the advancement of society.Governments that prioritize
education
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 lay
groundwork
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the groundwork
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 for future leaders and innovators who can address global challenges,
such
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 as climate change and economic inequality.
However
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, it is
also
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 important to recognize the value of free-time
activities
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 for young
people
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. Engaging in sports, music, or other hobbies is crucial for a child’s mental and physical well-being. Overemphasis on
academic
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academics
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 without allowing time for relaxation and creativity can lead to burnout, anxiety , and lack of motivation.
For example
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, studies have shown that children who participate in extracurricular
activities
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 perform better academically because these
activities
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 provide a healthy outlet for stress and encourage a balanced lifestyle.
Furthermore
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, leisure
activities
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 help develop essential life
skills
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such
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 as teamwork, communication, and time management. These soft
skills
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 are not always taught in
classroom
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the classroom
a classroom
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 but are highly sought after in the professional world. Countries that
incorporates
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incorporate
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 sports and arts into their educational systems,
such
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 as Japan and Korea, produce well-rounded individuals who excel both academically and socially. In conclusion,
while
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 free-time
activities
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 are undeniably important for
holistic
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the holistic
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development
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 of young
people
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,
education
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 should remain
top
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a top
the top
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 priority for public authorities spending. A well-educated population is the key to a nation’s
long -term
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long-term
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 success, but allocating some resources to recreational
activities
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 can ensure a balanced approach to youth
development
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coherence cohesion
Provide clearer links between paragraphs. Ensure the transition between ideas is smoother to enhance readability.
coherence cohesion
Focus on refining the introduction and conclusion to clearly summarize your stance and arguments.
task achievement
Sometimes rewriting sentences for clarity can strengthen the arguments and ensure the reader fully understands your position. Make sure your ideas are expressed comprehensively.
task achievement
Use additional examples to support your arguments. Add variety in examples to strengthen the points being made.
task achievement
The essay offers a balanced view, detailing the importance of both education and free-time activities, which enriches the argument and provides a comprehensive answer to the question.
task achievement
All main points are well-supported, with valid examples such as those from Finland, Japan, and Korea, which enhance the argument's credibility.
coherence cohesion
The structure is logical and well-developed, with a clear introduction and conclusion that helps guide the reader through your analysis.
coherence cohesion
Good use of paragraphing and development of ideas, ensuring that each point is clearly presented and arguments are supported.

Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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