IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Fewer students are studying science at school and university, favoring more computer-based subjects. Why do you think it is happening? Do the advantages of this trend outweigh its disadvantages?

#students #science #school #university #subjects #trend
It is true that
a
Change the article
an
show examples
 increasing number of
students
 are motivated to study
computer
-based technical subjects rather than studying science in their academic life.
While
 there are
varity
Correct your spelling
variety
 of factors
resposible
Correct your spelling
responsible
 for
this
 ,I believe that
this
 is a positive change. There
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
number
Change the article
a number
the number
show examples
 of reasons why many
students
 are interested to
sudy
Correct your spelling
study
computer
-based programs. One possible reason is that nowadays
computer
 skills have vast importance and demand in every sector like
medical
Replace the word
medicine
show examples
, transportation, communication and so on.
This
 is because
modern
Add an article
the modern
show examples
 era is highly dependent on new technologies and inventions and
computer based
Add a hyphen
computer-based
show examples
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 been needed for new technologies. Another reason why
students
 are moving to
computer based
Add a hyphen
computer-based
show examples
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 is
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
to ensure job security to survive in
job
Add an article
the job
show examples
 market.
This
 is
beacuse
Correct your spelling
because
 in
evry
Correct your spelling
every
 sector nowadays requires at least basic
computer based
Add a hyphen
computer-based
show examples
knowledge
 to operate as
this
knowledge
 is needed to gather data.
Finally
, for smooth communication
computer based
Add a hyphen
computer-based
show examples
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 is needed for making an instant presentation or sending an email to the client
this
skill
 is
must
Correct your spelling
most
show examples
 needed.
Therefore
,
students
 are migrating their interest towards
computer
-based skills. Moving to
computer
-based
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 in academic life is a positive change for many reasons.
Firstly
,
comuter based
Correct your spelling
computer-based
skill
 helps
student
Fix the agreement mistake
students
show examples
 to think by simulating and generating new ideas.
Thus
, student's
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 can retain more information and can innovate new
tecnologies
Correct your spelling
technologies
.
Secondly
, it
increase
Change the verb form
increases
show examples
critical
Correct article usage
the critical
show examples
 thinking of
students
.
For instance
, AI is the most innovative creation of
moder
Correct your spelling
modern
 science which
nedded
Correct your spelling
needs
most
Correct article usage
the most
show examples
 complex
knowledge
 of
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
. In conclusion,
students
 are more eager to engage in
computer based
Add a hyphen
computer-based
show examples
knowledge
 for various reasons, in my
opinion
Add a comma
opinion,
show examples
this
 tendency is better for their secure and prosperous life.
Submitted by rifataranawshin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity and structure, consider organizing each paragraph around a single main idea. This will help ensure that each paragraph contributes clearly to your overall argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph begins with a clear topic sentence that outlines the main point to be discussed. This will not only improve cohesion but also guide the reader through your argument.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to strengthen your argument. For example, reference specific trends in technology-related employment or the educational outcomes of students studying technology compared to science.
task achievement
Though your essay is generally clear, be careful of minor grammatical and vocabulary errors, such as "a increasing number" which should be "an increasing number". While they don't greatly detract from your message, fewer errors can make your work appear more polished.
coherence cohesion
You successfully introduced the topic and provided a conclusion. This helps the reader understand your position and the scope of your argument.
task achievement
You effectively identified multiple reasons for the trend you discussed, showing a good grasp of the topic.
task achievement
Your conclusion effectively summarized your main points and clearly stated your opinion, contributing to a cohesive overall structure.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: