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Band 5

Some people live in the moment, while others prefer to plan for the future. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

#people #moment #plan #future
In
everyday’s
Change noun form
everyday
show examples
life
, some
people
 tend to choose
living
Change the verb form
to live
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 their every single moment,
while
 others believe planning for
Correct article usage
the future’s
show examples
future’s
Change noun form
future
show examples
life
 is more crucial. These views have
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 benefits and drawbacks, and actually, from my point of view, those are needed in
life
depends
Wrong verb form
depending
show examples
 on the circumstances.
To begin
 with, a tendency to live in every moment of
life
 seems suitable for some individuals. Many factors brought
people
 to think like
this
.
Firstly
, it could be because they are overwhelmed in planning their later
life
. A high frequency of failure might be a cause of
this
 desperation. When
people
 have been
desperated
Correct your spelling
desperate
, their vision will be fogged by negative thinking comes in their
mind
Fix the agreement mistake
minds
show examples
. By
this
 “brain-fogging”,
decision
Correct article usage
the decision
show examples
 to enjoy their current time is more appropriate for them than thinking about
long
Add an article
the long
a long
show examples
 journey in front of them.
On the other hand
, an opinion to plan for later
life
 is
also
 essential. Adopters of
this
 mindset believe that whatever blessings they enjoy in a current time, the later
future
 will surely come to them.
This
 way of thinking is driven by the facts and fears that come in nowadays
life
.
For example
, today’s
people
 in Indonesia are more aware
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
future
 financial freedom than their parents. It is because some predictions come from the scientists stated that costs in
future
 Indonesia, including land and properties, will be exponentially higher than what it
is
Verb problem
has
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 recently.
This
 is why preparing for the
future
life
 is essential for them.
To conclude
, living at the moment is necessary for short-term
life
,
while
 planning for the
future
 will benefit in the long-term.
My
Change preposition
In my
show examples
 opinion
to
Change preposition
apply
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these way
Change the determiner
this way
these ways
show examples
 of
thinkings
Fix the agreement mistake
thinking
show examples
, both mindsets are essential for
people
’s
life
, since they have to face not only
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
daily
life
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
future
life
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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coherence cohesion
Try to define and organize your main points more clearly to improve logical structure. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear purpose and stick to just one main idea in each.
task achievement
To enhance comprehension, avoid ambiguous or awkward phrases such as 'brain-fogging' and 'short-term life.'
task achievement
Consider using more specific examples or evidence in your arguments to illustrate your points better.
coherence cohesion
Good use of introduction and conclusion to frame the idea.
task achievement
Successfully presents both sides of the argument.

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