It is important for all towns and cities to have large public outdoor places like squares and parks. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

While
it is widely debated that we should
emphasis
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emphasise
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the requirement of large public outdoor
spaces
like squares and parks in all towns and cities more, others suggested that
this
scheme may not
as
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be as
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crucial as
development
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the development
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of
economical
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economically
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related infrastructures like department stores.
Hence
, I strongly support
with
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apply
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the former statement as it
induce
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induces
show examples
city dwellers to become more healthy both physically and mentally will be discussed
further
in
this
essay.
To begin
with, it seems sensible for some to believe that public
spaces
is
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are
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unneccessary
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unnecessary
as
such
area
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areas
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often
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are often
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neglected by many people and they rather focus on profitable estate
instead
.
This
is possibly because public
spaces
often
overlook
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overlooked
show examples
by several
peoples
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people
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as they consider some locations could create
large
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a large
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sum if the development
occur
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occurs
show examples
in that space. Large department
store
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stores
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in Bangkok,
for instance
,
some
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and some
show examples
public
area
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areas
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like
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a park
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park
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parks
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now converted into
a
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apply
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profitable
esate
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areas
instead
of being a deserted area. In my opinion, I personally agree with the construction of outdoor public places seeing that
this
could benefit society as a whole, especially in terms of health aspects. To simply explain, some crowded and congested areas
such
as big cities are full
with
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of
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buildings and
skyscrappers
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skyscrapers
that
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where
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only
few
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a few
show examples
trees
could
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can
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be seen,
inwhich
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in which
it
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apply
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restricted
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restricts
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the need
of
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for
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mankind to exposure
with
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to
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nature.
By offering
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Offering
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outdoor public
spaces
such
as squares and parks can
promote
Verb problem
encourage
show examples
people to become more
socialized
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social
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and active rather than being isolated in their comfort zone which
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is consequencely
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consequencely
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consequently
consequences
. Take Korea,
For example
; the government support the
local
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locals
show examples
with
spaces
where people utilize
this
space both personally: picnicking, strolling and
excercising
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exercising
, or economically: selling
picnick
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picnic
set
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sets
show examples
and food trucks. In summary,
although
it is undeniable that public space often
look
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looked
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down
due
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on due
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to
it
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its
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non-profitable perspective, I am of the opinion that its positive outcome can promote
better
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a better
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quality of life
of
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for
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their citizen to be healthy and economically.
Submitted by kamonluck1999 on

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Coherence
Focus on organizing your arguments and ideas in a more logical structure. While the points you make are relevant, they could be presented in a more cohesive manner. Try using clear topic sentences and linking words to enhance the flow between paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Ensure that each argument is fully developed with sufficient explanation and examples. This will strengthen your ability to convey clear and comprehensive ideas. Consider expanding on why public spaces improve mental and physical health.
Introduction Conclusion Present
The introduction sets up the debate and clearly states your position, which helps the reader understand the direction of your essay.
Relevant Specific Examples
You provided specific examples, such as the situation in Bangkok and the example of Korea, which help to support your arguments with real-world context.
Introduction Conclusion Present
The conclusion summarizes your points and restates your opinion effectively, which gives the essay a well-rounded ending.
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