IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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A large number of food and drink
products
 have a high
sugar
 content, which can lead to numerous health problems. Some people think that sugary
products
 should be made to cost more to discourage people from consuming
products
 with lots of
sugar
. I personally agree with
this
 because I personally see
sugar
 as a very harmful ingredient to our body.
However
, I
also
 think that other than increasing the price, there should be policies taken to inform more people of the effects of
sugar
.
To begin
 with,
sugar
 specifically refined
sugar
 is extremely bad for your body functions. Intaking a high amount of
sugar
 can result in multiple health issues.
For instance
, it spikes your glucose level and causes your body to be in an inflamed state.
Not to mention
, the most prevalent side effect of
sugar
,
diabetes
Add a missing verb
is diabetes
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, which is a non-curable illness that can eventually be fatal. In
additon
Correct your spelling
addition
 to making sugary goods more expensive, we should
also
 widely spread awareness
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the consequences of consuming
sugar
.
For example
, there should be more advertisements and articles stating the drawbacks that come with
sugar
. Doing so
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 will make individuals more aware and consume less sugary
products
. In conclusion, eating a lot of
sugar
 can result in many health issues, it can even lead to death.
Therefore
, I strongly support the idea of raising the price of sugary food and drinks to decrease their consumption. But I
also
 believe that there should be more actions taken to highlight the side effects of
sugar
 to the public.
Submitted by minnikamol on

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task response
Consider providing more specific examples to illustrate your points, as this can strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Try to enhance the logical flow between your ideas to improve coherence. This might involve using more linking words or phrases.
task response
You have addressed the task well and provided a clear personal stance on the issue, which supports a solid task response.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, guiding the reader effectively through your argument.
coherence cohesion
Main points are generally well supported with explanations, contributing to the overall coherence of the essay.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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