IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people believe that unpaid community service should be a compulsory part of high school programes (for example working for a charity, improving the nighborhood or teaching sports to younger children). What extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #community #service #part #school #programes #charity #nighborhood #sports #children
I think in today's world, children are becoming more and more lazy compared with older generations, mostly
due to
 the
advant
Correct your spelling
advantage
 of technology.
This
 makes them more
unexperienced
Correct your spelling
inexperienced
show examples
, which is not a good case. To prevent
this
, we can give kids some jobs to do
while
 they are still in school to give them some experience. The best
choise
Correct your spelling
choice
 in my
oponion
Correct your spelling
opinion
, is
comunity
Correct your spelling
community
service
.
Firstly
,
comunity
Correct your spelling
community
service
the
Add a missing verb
is the
show examples
 right
choise
Correct your spelling
choice
 because it is a
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 thing and it helps people who need it or maybe even saves
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
nature,
while
also
benefits
Wrong verb form
benefiting
show examples
 the person doing it in many ways.
For example
, the
humen
Correct your spelling
humans
 doing the job can get some work experience and
also
 help
them selves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 in emotional ways.
Acctually
Correct your spelling
Actually
, some individuals join the
comunity
Correct your spelling
community
service
 team to make
them selves
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 feel better in life as it gives them a sense of being
affective
Correct your spelling
effective
show examples
.
Moreover
, children can benefit a lot from all the facts above. But, the most
benefitial
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 factor which is the one
that is
 enough to make
comunity
Correct your spelling
community
service
 a
compusory
Correct your spelling
compulsory
 part of education, is that it gives them a sense of influence and effect.
This
 helps them to gain
self confidence
Add a hyphen
self-confidence
show examples
,
not to mention
 the gain of
experiece
Correct your spelling
experience
 and work skill knowledge. In conclusion,
comunity
Correct your spelling
community
service
 is a really smart idea which is good for both parties.
Also
, it can really be helpful for children in school, who need to gain
self confidence
Add a hyphen
self-confidence
show examples
 and knowledge in work
fileds
Correct your spelling
files
fields
, as these are essential factors for a learner.
Submitted by Taha Sol. on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Work on improving sentence variety and making transitions between ideas smoother for better flow and coherence.
Task Achievement
Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points and make your argument stronger.
Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which frames your argument well.
Task Achievement
Your main idea, that community service is beneficial for both societal and personal growth, is effectively communicated.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: