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Band 3.5

Everyone should stay in school until the age of eighteen, considering the significance of primary and secondary level education in a learner’s life. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#school #age #eighteen #significance #level #education #learner’s #life
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Many people believe that formal
education
 should obtained till the
age
 of
eighteen
.
However
, for some people, they believe it is unnecessary because they need real experience. I wholeheartedly agree that people should have formal
education
 until
eighteen
. On the one hand, students quit
school
 because they believe that
school
 only provides theoretical knowledge
while
 they need practical experiences.
Student
Fix the agreement mistake
Students
show examples
 with a passion for mechanics,
for example
, will need more practicals to obtain great technical
skills
 rather than read them in books.
However
, I believe formal
education
 is more than just theoretical subjects.
On the other hand
,
eighteen
 is
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
legal
age
 and preparing them until that
age
 will help them to make mature decisions because
school
Add an article
the school
show examples
also
 provides soft
skills
 enhancement. To be specific, there are activities and tasks in
school
 that could develop student's critical thinking and social
skills
. Activities like forum group discussions and presentations will enhance their soft
skills
such
 as communication
that
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 will equip them for work life. As
result
Correct article usage
a result
show examples
, it will guide them to make a mature decision.
To conclude
, formal
education
untill
Correct your spelling
until
 their legal
age
 will equip them with social
skills
 and critical thinking that help them for work.
Thus
, I believe that it is better for students not to quit
school
 until
eighteen
.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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General
Try to expand on your points with more detailed examples to strengthen your argument.
General
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear, distinct point to aid in logical progression and clarity.
Language and Style
Review grammar and punctuation to avoid minor errors.
Task Response
Your essay provides a clear position on the topic, which is well-articulated.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have included a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps to frame your argument.
Task Response
You've addressed both sides of the argument, showing a balanced consideration of the topic.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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