IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many manfuactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products shpuld be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree ?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #shpuld #people
There are many
products
 on markets’
shelf
Fix the agreement mistake
shelves
show examples
 with too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 levels of
sugar
, which is a serious health
issues
Change the noun form
issue
show examples
.
This
 essay shows two positive aspects
to increase
Change preposition
of increasing
show examples
sugar
products
’ prices.
On
Change preposition
In
show examples
 my view, I
considered
Wrong verb form
consider
show examples
 that it´s worth increasing their prices to encourage a change
consumers’
Change preposition
in consumers’
show examples
 habits related to sweet
products
.
In addition
, companies are going to
force
Wrong verb form
be forced
show examples
 to reduce the levels of
sugar
 in their
products
.
Firstly
, people will consider other options more affordable and healthier
instead
to buy
Change preposition
of buying
show examples
 expensive
sugar
products
. Nowadays, consumers have less money to buy their groceries,
therefore
 they will consider
to get
Change the verb form
getting
show examples
other thing
Change the wording
another thing
other things
show examples
,
such
fruits
Change preposition
as fruits
show examples
, vegetables, grain
products
 or
meet
Correct your spelling
meat
show examples
.
For instance
, I used to
by
Correct your spelling
buy
show examples
 a product
call
Change the form of the verb
called
show examples
 sweet milk “leche condensada” but
this
 one
bump
Wrong verb form
bumped
show examples
 up considerably.
Thus
, it has been months since I
last
 bought
this
 product, and I replaced
this
 with
others
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 healthy milk
products
.
Secondly
,
industry
Add an article
the industry
show examples
 will see their selling
sugar
Change preposition
of sugar
show examples
 items will
decreased
Change the verb form
decrease
be decreased
show examples
 significantly.
Therefore
, new healthy or less sweet foods will
design
Wrong verb form
be designed
show examples
 and
sell
Wrong verb form
sold
show examples
 to recover their revenues and
costumers
Correct your spelling
customers
show examples
.
For example
, the main Colombian companies
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
shows
Verb problem
make
show examples
 big
purchase
Fix the agreement mistake
purchases
show examples
 of sugary food have launched many diet
products
, free
sugar
, and
change
Wrong verb form
changed
show examples
 the
sugar
by
Change preposition
with
show examples
 stevia, which
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
has
showed
Wrong verb form
shown
show examples
 remarkably beneficial and less risky. In conclusion, many
sugar
item
Fix the agreement mistake
items
show examples
 which are sold in the markets could
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 healthy, if their prices bumped up. The people
considers
Change the verb form
consider
show examples
 twice before they
bought
Wrong verb form
buy
show examples
 those, and the companies will design free
sugar
 foods to keep selling. In my opinion, expensive sugary
products
 would be an amazing idea to reduce
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sick people’s medical reports around the world.
Submitted by Andrea Barreto on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing the logical flow between your points. Some ideas are presented but lack clear connections or transitions to guide the reader smoothly from one thought to another.
coherence cohesion
Ensure all main points are sufficiently supported with clear and relevant examples or explanations. Some arguments could be made more compelling with additional details or clearer connections to the main thesis.
task achievement
Aim for a more comprehensive task response by fully addressing the prompt. Make sure each idea is clearly linked to your argument about increasing sugar prices.
task achievement
Expand on some of your ideas for clarity. The essay should maintain a clear focus and direction throughout all arguments, with each paragraph clearly linked back to the thesis.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents a clear position in favor of increasing prices on sugary products to change consumer habits.
task achievement
You provided specific examples, like the product "leche condensada," to illustrate your points, making your arguments more tangible and relatable.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion successfully reiterates the main points and further emphasizes your stance on the issue.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: