IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Many people think technological devices such as smartphones, tablets and mobile phones bring more disadvantages than advantages. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #devices #smartphones #tablets #phones
Although
people
 think that technological advancement has brought many disadvantages,
such
 as addiction and autism, these technological
devices
 have helped
people
 a lot with their
work
 and study. In
this
 essay, I will argue why I disagree that these
devices
 bring more disadvantages than advantages. On the one hand, there are some negative aspects of using technological
devices
. One major drawback is addiction. These
devices
made
Wrong verb form
make
show examples
people
 addicted and waste their time by avoiding the many distraction methods,
such
 as apps and websites.
For example
, many
people
 spend more than 5 hours a day on their social media
account
Fix the agreement mistake
accounts
show examples
 just seeing reels and videos without any real benefit. Another significant disadvantage is that there are many children are lifted to these
devices
 by their parents to calm them down.
Therefore
, most of them
subjected
Add a missing verb
are subjected
show examples
 to autism, which is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a very serious disease.
On the other hand
, technological
devices
 have helped most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
 with their
work
 by offering them platforms and apps that ease their missions and organize their
work
.
For example
, Excel and Office of Programs
offers
Change the verb form
offer
show examples
 many beneficial tools that fasten our
work
 and keep important files safe. Another main advantage of using these
devices
 is helping students with their studies. These
devices
 offer them good apps that could assist their study and discuss their materials in many different ways.
Additionally
, students can reach many other schools or countries for discussion.
For instance
, many students now are studying with other teachers on YouTube through their smartphones.
while
people
 think that computers,
tablet
Fix the agreement mistake
tablets
show examples
 and phones have brought many
drowbacks
Correct your spelling
drawbacks
, wasting time and mental health issues , I personally think these
devices
 bring more advantages ,these technological
devices
 are helping
people
 in different missions.
Submitted by adianalmozan on

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coherence cohesion
Try to improve logical progression by using more varied linking phrases and clearer transitions between points.
task achievement
Provide more detailed and specific examples to substantiate your main ideas, especially regarding the potential drawbacks of technology.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear argument with both sides of the perspective addressed, which fulfills the requirement to discuss the extent of agreement or disagreement.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are coherent and capture the main points effectively, giving the essay a strong opening and closure.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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