IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

More and more adults have continued to live with their parents for many years after they have completed education and found jobs. Do the advantages of this choice outweigh disadvantages?

#adults #parents #years #education #jobs #choice
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Nowadays, there is an increasing number of university graduates and workers who decide to stay in their
Use synonyms
parents
Change to a genitive case
parent's
parents'
show examples
 house. Living with
parents
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 both benefits and consequences,
Linking Words
however
Add a comma
however,
show examples
 I believe that its advantages outweigh the disadvantages. On the one hand, choosing to live with
parents
Use synonyms
 plays a significant part in reducing
people
Use synonyms
's financial burden since they do not have to pay rent.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, most
parents
Use synonyms
 take care of their children when they live
in
Change preposition
under
show examples
 the same roof,
such
Linking Words
 as preparing meals and doing laundry, which undoubtedly
also
Linking Words
 cut expenses.
For example
Linking Words
, a co-worker in my workplace still
live
Change the verb form
lives
show examples
 with her
parents
Use synonyms
 and she always
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
 home-cooked meals every day, so she can save
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money because she does not have to pay for food.
As a result
Linking Words
, staying with
parents
Use synonyms
contribute
Correct subject-verb agreement
contributes
show examples
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
 cutting multiple expenditures.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 choice
also
Linking Words
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 drawbacks. Being in the same house with family members will not give the freedom as moving out to live alone which results in the lack of privacy.
Moreover
Linking Words
, as
people
Use synonyms
 get older, there is a societal expectation
where
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 we have to live alone to be independent.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the expectation and other
people
Use synonyms
's judgement can
also
Linking Words
 cause
discomforts
Fix the agreement mistake
discomfort
show examples
 to some
people
Use synonyms
 which may lead to overthinking and insecurity. In conclusion, many individuals choose to live with their
parents
Use synonyms
 and I think the advantages of
this
Linking Words
 choice outweigh the disadvantages because it plays an important role
to reduce
Change preposition
in reducing
show examples
 expenses so
people
Use synonyms
 can save more money.
Submitted by ameliahanakaru01 on

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task response
Ensure your thesis statement is clear from the beginning and reiterated or refined in your conclusion.
task response
Try to elaborate more on the points regarding societal expectations and personal privacy to add depth to your analysis.
coherence cohesion
To enhance logical structure, consider more varied transitions between points.
coherence cohesion
Strong introduction and conclusion framing the argument well.
task achievement
Relevant examples support main arguments about financial savings and societal expectations.
task achievement
Good use of real-life example to illustrate the financial advantages of living with parents.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • financial benefit
  • supportive network
  • cultural expectations
  • family cohabitation
  • family bonds
  • lack of privacy
  • personal space
  • emotional dependency
  • mental dependency
  • life's pressures
  • inter-generational conflicts
  • lifestyle differences
  • familial relationships
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