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Band 4

numbers of participants for different activities at one social cantre

#numbers #participants #activities #cantre
The graph provided illustrates the amount of Australians involved in various leisure activities provided by a social centre in Melbourne between 2000 and 2020.
Overall
, the vast majority of
people
prefered
Correct your spelling
preferred
Film
Correct article usage
the Film
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 club to other activities; Martial arts and Amateur dramatics were found
intetersting
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interesting
 by many
people
 too
while
 the
last
 place was shared between Musical performances and Table tennis. As it was previously mentioned,
Film
Correct article usage
the Film
show examples
club
Capitalize word
Club
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 was chosen by the highest amount of
people
 slightly fluctuating around 65 during the examining period. The same stability can be observed in the number of participants
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 Martial
art
Fix the agreement mistake
arts
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, which is changed insignificantly between 30 and 40. The most
dramatical
Replace the word
dramatic
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 changes happened to Table
tennis
Change noun form
tennis's
show examples
 popularity: in 2020 it was visited by more than twice as
much
Correct quantifier usage
many
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 Australians as it was in 2000. The numbers rocketed in 2010 after it had
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
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stagnated for 10 years. Less positive changes can be seen in Amateur
dramatics club
Correct your spelling
Dramatics Club
show examples
 participation: during the given period it lost most of its activists. In 2020 there were only 20% of
previous
Change the article
the previous
show examples
 amount of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
participants. Musical performance did not have any followers
in
Change the preposition
at
show examples
 the beginning of the survey, but
situation
Add an article
the situation
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had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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changed when in 2010 its popularity boosted with 10
people
 involved. The indicators had been steadily growing in the next 15 years till they reached 20.
Submitted by margaritabma02 on

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence and cohesion, consider adding a more distinct conclusion to summarize the main points of your essay.
task achievement
Try to further elaborate on how the changes in participation numbers impact the social center or the community to enhance task achievement.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear and comprehensive response to the task, addressing the changes in participation over the given period for each activity.
coherence cohesion
Logical structure is well-maintained throughout the essay, with each activity discussed in a consistent manner.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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