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Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society?

#countries #proportion #people #trend #effects #society
In recent years,
due to
 improvements in healthcare and increasing in wealth
People
’s life expectancy has improved in many societies. It is true that the percentage of elderly
people
 is growing rapidly in many nations.
Although
 old
people
’s experience and wisdom can make more conurbation to
society
, I would argue that the ageing
population
 will have an adverse effect on
society
.
Firstly
, the ageing
population
 will increase the burden on the
government
. the
government
has
Verb problem
is
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsible for looking after the elderly
Contributed
Wrong verb form
Contributes
show examples
 to the country's
tax
 revenue because the
government
 should
use
Verb problem
spend
show examples
 plenty of money on the state pension system and
due to
 old
people
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad physical fitness the
government
 needs to provide free medical services. But the
government
 do not have extra income and
tax
..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
Furthermore
,
due to
this
situation
Add a comma
situation,
show examples
 the young
people
’s stress will be enhanced, the
government
 spend more money on the state pension system, but they do not have extra income, the main solution is to increase the
tax
from
Change preposition
on
show examples
 young
people
, but just increase
tax
 does not to growth the wage the young
people
’s Actual salary is deceased.
Finally
Add a comma
Finally,
show examples
 an ageing
society
 will slow down the economic growth.
Compare
Wrong verb form
Compared
show examples
 with young
people
 old
people
’s physical and mental are show some decrease, they cannot do some work which
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 stand for a
longtime
Correct your spelling
long time
show examples
, spend a lot of anger and use
Correct pronoun usage
their brain
show examples
brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
show examples
 a lot.
For example
,
do
Wrong verb form
when doing
show examples
 the same work young
people
maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
use
Verb problem
take
show examples
 thirty minutes to finish
this
 job but old
people
 will spend one hour, and some
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
 young
people
 are easy to find out
old
Correct word choice
that old
show examples
people
 will not get
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
also
, since
this
situation
Add a comma
situation,
show examples
 it will reduce enterprise productivity.
However
, an ageing
population
also
 have some benefits,
for instance
, they have more professional experience and life experience,
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 patient and detail oriented and can continue to contribute to
society
. if we face some problem, we can ask them to help us to fix it or provide some ideas. Generally speaking, though an ageing
population
 will
take
Verb problem
have
show examples
 some good influence, we still should avoid
this
 situation because
this
 will impact economic growth and reduce enterprise productivity.
Submitted by fanjunyichaoniu on

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coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph structure for better clarity and flow. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea, supported by examples or explanations.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or data to support main points and strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure grammar and punctuation are correct to improve readability and professionalism of the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively sets up the argument of the essay by outlining both sides of the issue.
task achievement
Key points such as the impact on government resources and economic growth are well-identified.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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