IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries, the proportion of older people is steadily increasing. Does this trend have more positive or negative effects on the society?

#countries #proportion #people #trend #effects #society
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In recent years,
due to
Linking Words
 improvements in healthcare and increasing in wealth
Use synonyms
People
Use synonyms
’s life expectancy has improved in many societies. It is true that the percentage of elderly
people
Use synonyms
 is growing rapidly in many nations.
Although
Linking Words
 old
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people
Use synonyms
’s experience and wisdom can make more conurbation to
society
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, I would argue that the ageing
population
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 will have an adverse effect on
society
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.
Firstly
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, the ageing
population
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 will increase the burden on the
government
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. the
government
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has
Verb problem
is
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the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
responsible for looking after the elderly
Contributed
Wrong verb form
Contributes
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 to the country's
tax
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 revenue because the
government
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 should
use
Verb problem
spend
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 plenty of money on the state pension system and
due to
Linking Words
 old
people
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have
Wrong verb form
having
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a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad physical fitness the
government
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 needs to provide free medical services. But the
government
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 do not have extra income and
tax
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..
Replace the punctuation
.
...
show examples
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
situation
Add a comma
situation,
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 the young
Use synonyms
people
Use synonyms
’s stress will be enhanced, the
government
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 spend more money on the state pension system, but they do not have extra income, the main solution is to increase the
tax
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from
Change preposition
on
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 young
people
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, but just increase
tax
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 does not to growth the wage the young
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people
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’s Actual salary is deceased.
Linking Words
Finally
Add a comma
Finally,
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 an ageing
society
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 will slow down the economic growth.
Compare
Wrong verb form
Compared
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 with young
people
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 old
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people
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’s physical and mental are show some decrease, they cannot do some work which
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 stand for a
longtime
Correct your spelling
long time
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, spend a lot of anger and use
Correct pronoun usage
their brain
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brain
Fix the agreement mistake
brains
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 a lot.
For example
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,
do
Wrong verb form
when doing
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 the same work young
people
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maybe
Correct your spelling
may
show examples
use
Verb problem
take
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 thirty minutes to finish
this
Linking Words
 job but old
people
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 will spend one hour, and some
idea
Fix the agreement mistake
ideas
show examples
 young
people
Use synonyms
 are easy to find out
old
Correct word choice
that old
show examples
people
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 will not get
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.
also
Linking Words
, since
this
Linking Words
situation
Add a comma
situation,
show examples
 it will reduce enterprise productivity.
However
Linking Words
, an ageing
population
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also
Linking Words
 have some benefits,
for instance
Linking Words
, they have more professional experience and life experience,
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 patient and detail oriented and can continue to contribute to
society
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. if we face some problem, we can ask them to help us to fix it or provide some ideas. Generally speaking, though an ageing
population
Use synonyms
 will
take
Verb problem
have
show examples
 some good influence, we still should avoid
this
Linking Words
 situation because
this
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 will impact economic growth and reduce enterprise productivity.
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coherence cohesion
Improve paragraph structure for better clarity and flow. Each paragraph should have a clear central idea, supported by examples or explanations.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or data to support main points and strengthen the argument.
coherence cohesion
Ensure grammar and punctuation are correct to improve readability and professionalism of the essay.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction effectively sets up the argument of the essay by outlining both sides of the issue.
task achievement
Key points such as the impact on government resources and economic growth are well-identified.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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