IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that education should be the responsibility of the government but others think that it is the responsibility of the individuals themselves. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #education #responsibility #government #individuals
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It is a contentious issue whether politics should take
the
Correct article usage
apply
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accountability for
people
Change noun form
people's
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 education or
it
Correct word choice
whether it
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 should be each human responsibility to educate well. I concur that the government should give society
the
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apply
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access to knowledge;
however
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, individuals are the
one
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ones
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 who are in charge of
the
Change the word
their
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 own future.
To begin
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 with, some believe that the most effective way to acknowledge humans is to oblige them to do so.
According to
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this
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 theory, higher public institutions should set the curriculum and
put
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have
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 the obligation to follow it. Thanks to that, citizens would have the same basic knowledge and the country itself can develop faster. Certainly, highly educated locals are essential to
become
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becoming
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 a powerful economy and constantly
grow
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growing
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.
On the other hand
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, it causes many problems when the system is not suitable for everyone. Some people require different approaches and the government frequently forgets about it.
For example
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, there are some outstanding artistic talents who could focus on it from an early age;
however
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, because of
the
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apply
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other obligations they don't have enough time to practice their real point of interest. It is a common belief that school not only takes time
,
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apply
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 but
also
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 kills creativity.
Therefore
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, it sounds reliable to let individuals have influence on their own lives as well. In my opinion, we should make
educating
Replace the word
education
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 very flexible. The average information should be commonly known and policy should give
an
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apply
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easy access to it.
Nevertheless
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, I opt that there should be a way for kids to schedule
own
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their own
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 day
Change preposition
in the
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the
Correct article usage
a
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 way
it
Correct pronoun usage
that
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 will allow them to engage
into
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in
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passions
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their passions
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.
For example
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, individual classes could be finance for very talented students.
To sum up
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, some people argue about who should be responsible for the education. Making it fully dependent on governmental decisions is good for some but not everyone.
Nevertheless
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, extraordinary students may want to be independent from politics and follow their own path. I think the best option is to have some rules that may be changeable
according to
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 the individual cases.
Submitted by Aga on

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Task Achievement
Try to provide more specific examples or evidence to better support your points. Illustrating your ideas with real-world examples can strengthen your argument and improve clarity.
Task Achievement
Make sure your ideas are clearly communicated. Some sentence structures could be improved for better clarity. Proofread your work to ensure ideas are fully developed and expressed.
Coherence and Cohesion
Organize your ideas more logically within paragraphs. Ensure that each paragraph has a clear central idea and supports the main argument of the essay.
Coherence and Cohesion
Link your ideas more effectively between sentences and paragraphs. Use a variety of linking words to show the relationship between ideas, improving the overall flow.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which appropriately wrap up the discussion.
Task Achievement
You have addressed both views on the topic, discussing the role of government and individuals in education.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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