IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3

Many childhood diseases can now be prevented through the use of vaccines. Should parents be made by law to immunise their children against common diseases, or should individuals have the right to choose not to vaccinate their children? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#childhood #diseases #vaccines #parents #law #immunise #children #individuals #right #vaccinate
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Nowadays, children
are suffer
Change the verb form
are suffering
show examples
 from diseases that could be prevented through the use of vaccines. There are two points of view. Some
peple
Correct your spelling
people
 think that it must be a law to make parents
to
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apply
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immunise their children against these diseases,
whereas
 others think
otherwise
. On the one hand, it is better to create a law that makes parents
to
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apply
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use of vaccines for their children. Using
a vaccines
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vaccines
a vaccine
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 on time could significantly change the future life of your child.
That is
 why, it is
vety
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very
 important to prevent
such
 diseases in childhood.
Furthermore
, there are too many examples of how forgotten health problems in childhood influenced
in
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apply
show examples
futher
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further
 person's life. A majority of
scientests
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scientists
 and
doctores
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doctors
says
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say
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 that almost every health problem can be recovered in
such
small
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a small
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 age without any consequences.
On the other hand
, it has another side of view. Young parents
worring
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worry
 about
of
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apply
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side effects.
Due to
this
mind
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mindset
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, unfortunately, their child has huge problems with his health in future. Because his or her immune system is not adapted
for
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to
show examples
 any changes in
Correct article usage
the enviroment
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enviroment
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environment
. Ultimately, I think that
advantages
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the advantages
show examples
 of
such
law
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a law
show examples
outweight
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outweigh
outweighs
 the disadvantages. It is
also
 very important to invest
a huge sums
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huge sums
a huge sum
show examples
for
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in
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medical
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the medical
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 industry.
Submitted by strogiy2008 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Enhance the logical flow of your arguments by ensuring that each paragraph is connected with clear linking words or phrases. This will help in establishing a coherent progression of ideas.
Task Achievement
Support your points with more specific examples or evidence. This will make your argument more convincing and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
Task Achievement
Work on expanding ideas within the paragraphs to make them more comprehensive. Consider explaining the impact or implications of each point you raise.
Task Achievement
The essay clearly presents both sides of the argument, addressing the issue of mandatory vaccination and parental choice.
Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, setting the context and summarizing the position taken.
Task Achievement
There's an attempt to provide reasoning for both perspectives, showing an effort to balance the discussion.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • herd immunity
  • public health
  • vaccine hesitancy
  • infectious diseases
  • eradication
  • immunization
  • mandatory vaccination
  • personal freedom
  • parental rights
  • unfounded fears
  • public education
  • resurgence of diseases
  • outbreak
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