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Band 5.5

Some educationist think that the international exchange visit to different countries for a teenager from school has benefits. To what extend do advantages outweigh the disadvantages?

#educationist #exchange #visit #countries #teenager #school
Recently, the new trend of international student visits has been popular for adolescents in school. I strongly believe that
this
 exchange is a breakthrough that offers huge advantages for teenagers. In spite of the cultural differences which may cause culture shock,
this
 trend obviously expands
juvenile's
Fix the agreement mistake
juveniles'
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 perspectives about their future
as well as
 motivates them to achieve better education.
To begin
 with, the opportunity to explore various civilizations could open
teenager's
Change noun form
teenagers'
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point
Fix the agreement mistake
points
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 of view about many opportunities that stand in front of them. By knowing about these differences,
such
 as the lifestyle, educational system, regulation, and social condition, they may get insights which lead them to discover their true passion.
Furthermore
, they might be able to recognize which educational systems have the best quality,
hence
, they strive to pursue a better education in other nations.
Many
Correct quantifier usage
Much
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 research confirms that 80% of students around the world,
aiming
Wrong verb form
aim
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 to study abroad because they want to get knowledge from
more
Correct article usage
a more
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 qualified educational system.
In contrast
, there is a chance that multiculturalism can lead them to culture shock.
This
 is arguably true because some places around the world have a very polarized way of living.
For instance
, in Indonesia, when we pass by random people on the road, it is a normal thing to greet them with a smile or some hand gestures, but in several parts of the world,
this
 action would be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
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a
Correct article usage
apply
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peculiar behaviour. In brief, I obviously agree that the opportunity to explore education in another country will
give
Verb problem
have
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 a massive impact on how juveniles perceive their career, and it will push them to their limit.
Submitted by 000silr111 on

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task achievement
The essay could offer a more comprehensive exploration of potential disadvantages to provide a more balanced view.
coherence and cohesion
Use transition words consistently to ensure smooth progression between ideas.
task achievement
Expand on the example provided about culture shock to give a clearer illustration and deeper insight.
introduction conclusion
The introduction clearly states the opinion and sets the context for the essay.
supported main points
The essay provides relevant examples to support the argument about cultural exploration and educational benefits.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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