IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many children are encouraged by their parents to get a part time job in their free time. Discuss advantage and disadvantages to children doing so?

Nowadays there is a popular term as financial literacy and
obviously
Add a comma
obviously,
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 parents want their children to learn it. I totally disagree with their position because it is not always
properly
Change the word
proper
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 and
furthermore
Linking Words
 not always accompanied by growth
rather
Correct word choice
but rather
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 bothers. In my opinion, a child should waste his free time
to develop
Change the verb form
developing
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 some other skills
besides
Linking Words
 school he should go walk
play
Correct word choice
and play
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 with his peers to improve his skills.
Essential
Add an article
An essential
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 part of
child’s
Correct article usage
a child’s
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 leisure must be passed on development beyond school and rest, Ideally doing some sports too. And it’s hard to find the time for it all. Everyone has certain stages: you go to school rest play football outside with classmates do your homework
and
Correct word choice
apply
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etc.
This
Linking Words
 period lasts from seven approximately till 14 years, only after reaching their age I can comprehend if
child
Correct article usage
a child
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 works. Because if he works earlier first of all it will bother the study process
then
Linking Words
 he will not have the energy and desire to do homework undoubtedly he will understand that money
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
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 not grow on the threes but it’s not worth it. Actually
Add a comma
,
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His mental health will suffer too because it is
serious
Correct article usage
a serious
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 change there is a need to communicate with different people who are not always polite and decent. Surely it’s
a
Remove the article
apply
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growth too but Not for
teenager’s
Fix the agreement mistake
teenagers’
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 psych which is not formed even if it
is extends
Change the verb form
extends
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financial
Correct article usage
the financial
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 mindset. If we consider
Correct article usage
the option
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option
Fix the agreement mistake
options
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 when children older than 14 years old
works
Fix the agreement mistake
work
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, I do not see anything bad it would be even useful as a new skill, new obligations and new roles Of course not without financial literacy. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
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 I want to add encouraging children for
desire
Add an article
the desire
a desire
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 to go to get
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
part-time work must be appropriate, work should not interfere
the
Change preposition
with the
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 studies and certainly if it does not, 
its
Replace the word
it's
it is
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 commendable

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task achievement
Try to address both the advantages and disadvantages of children having a part-time job as mentioned in the prompt.
task achievement
Ensure that each main point is supported with relevant examples or explanations.
coherence cohesion
Make sure your essay follows a clear and logical structure, with a smooth flow between sections.
coherence cohesion
Consider providing a brief introduction that outlines your stance and a conclusion that summarizes the key points.
task achievement
You have expressed your personal opinion clearly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has an introduction and a conclusion, providing some structure to the writing.
task achievement
You've touched on important topics like financial literacy and mental health.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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