IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that our happiness depend on how much money we have. Others say that ‘money cannot buy happiness.’ Do you think that having money is the key to happiness, or are there more important factors?

It is a topic of great debate
that
Correct word choice
apply
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whether
money
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 is the most important aspect of individual joy or
other
Correct word choice
whether other
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 factors are worth consideration. In my viewpoint, the latter view holds more weightage as compared to the former view and reasons to support my stance are elaborated in the following paragraphs.
To begin
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 with, those who think finance is a crucial aspect assert that with
money
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 one can spend on materialistic things
such
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 as
house
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a house
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, cars, clothing etc that can bring
feeling
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a feeling
the feeling
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 of contentment and happiness in people's
life
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,
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 because in
todays
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today's
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 world of materialism individuals compare themselves with other people who are happy by looking at these luxuries.
On the other hand
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, those who support the other side opine that family is one of the important factors. Indeed, without loved
ones
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ones,
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 an individual could not think about being happy because dear ones play a crucial role when we talk about happiness. To illustrate, Mr Ratan Tata, Head of the Tata Group, spent his
life
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 being alone, but in his old
age
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age,
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 he said publically that
money
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 cannot buy joy, without a few good family relations.
Thus
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, near and dear ones have an important role in making an individual's
life
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 happy. Adding more to it,
health
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 is
an
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another factor to look upon. In fact, a person with ample
money
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 but without good
health
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 cannot live a happy
life
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.
For example
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,
according to
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a
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research conducted in the USA, about 53
percent
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per cent
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 of
masses
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the masses
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 consider
health
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is
Correct your spelling
as
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 the only way to live happily because
,
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 it gives them
freedom
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the freedom
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 to live their
life
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 the way they want in matters of movement and food.
Hence
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, a fit body is
an
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apply
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another aspect worth consideration.
To sum up
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, it is right to say that
money
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 can buy many things but when it is compared with family and
health
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, in order to, stay happy
then
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 the latter aspects
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
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 a pivotal role to play in living a joyous
life
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.

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coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph focuses on a single main idea with clear topic sentences.
task achievement
Refine sentence structures to improve clarity and reduce complexity where possible.
task achievement
Support your arguments with a wider range of specific, relevant examples to strengthen your points.
task achievement
The essay addresses the task prompt in a thorough manner, considering multiple perspectives on the issue.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and effective, providing a clear stance and summarizing the key points.
coherence cohesion
The arguments are logically structured, flowing smoothly from one point to the next.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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