IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some say that because many people are living much longer, the age at which people retire from work should be raised considerably. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

It is a fact that most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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people
Use synonyms
 are living longer than in the past and
this
Linking Words
 leads to the new approach of raising the retirement age significantly. I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 view, as I think older
people
Use synonyms
 have less
energy
Use synonyms
 and cannot be
focused
Rephrase
as focused
show examples
 as they used to be in their early life. Another argument is that the new generation needs new workplaces and they come with more new ideas.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, getting older comes with many other health problems. Being active after your 60s is not very easy, because many
people
Use synonyms
 do not have the
energy
Use synonyms
 to make more physical or mental effort. Older
people
Use synonyms
 have memory and focus issues, which
comes
Correct subject-verb agreement
come
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 with the risk of making mistakes in their workplace. Others are not able to put effort or complete their job, because of many physical limitations. They do not have motivation and some of them are not capable anymore to resolve their tasks at work as they did when they were younger.
Secondly
Linking Words
, after the retirement of a generation ,more new workspaces are available for the younger
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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. They are becoming more specialized and qualified, and
as a
Linking Words
result
Add a comma
result,
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 they all are looking for more opportunities and new workplaces to put their
energy
Use synonyms
 and effort into. Nowadays, younger
people
Use synonyms
 come with more ideas and new approaches, which helps more companies to develop and improve their results. They have the
energy
Use synonyms
 to work on new projects and to achieve more in different fields which is a positive aspect for our society.
To conclude
Linking Words
, because many
people
Use synonyms
 are living much longer does not mean that the age at which
people
Use synonyms
 retire from work should be raised markedly.
Firstly
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
older
people
Use synonyms
 have more health problems and
on the other
Linking Words
hand
Add a comma
hand,
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 new workspaces should be available for the new generations.

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specific examples
To enhance task achievement, consider including more specific examples or evidence to support your arguments. This will strengthen your response and make it more persuasive.
comprehensive ideas
While your ideas are clearly presented, adding more detail and specific examples could make your arguments more convincing and comprehensive.
introduction conclusion
The essay presents a clear and concise introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your stance and summarizing the argument.
logical structure
Your essay demonstrates a good structure where each paragraph has a clear main point.
logical structure
The transition between paragraphs is smooth, and your ideas are logically sequenced, contributing to overall coherence.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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