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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending.

The charts below give information on the location and types of dance classes young people in a town in Australia are currently attending.
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The pie
chart
Use synonyms
illustrate
Change the verb form
illustrates
show examples
 the proportion of four locations of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
, and the bar
chart
Use synonyms
show
Change the verb form
shows
show examples
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the three types of
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 in two different age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
 in
suburb
Fix the agreement mistake
suburbs
show examples
Australia
Change preposition
of Australia
show examples
.
Overall
Linking Words
, for the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 is clear that people tend to have
dance
Use synonyms
classes
Use synonyms
 in private
studios
Use synonyms
 and less join to the college-based
studios
Use synonyms
, for the bar
chart
Use synonyms
, from 11 to 16,
students
Use synonyms
 prefer to have modern.
Students
Use synonyms
 under 11
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 likely
have
Fix the infinitive
to have
show examples
 ballet. We can see
for
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the pie graph that there are 48%, almost half
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 age of people
choose
Change the verb form
chooses
show examples
 to join private
studios
Use synonyms
 for dancing,
24
Correct word choice
and 24
show examples
% of people who in town in Australia take part in school halls which are after-school
classes
Use synonyms
. The proportion in community halls and college-based
studios
Use synonyms
 have the lowest point at 18% and 10% relatively. For the bar
chart
Use synonyms
,
students
Use synonyms
 from 11 to 16 most like to learn modern
dance
Use synonyms
reach
Wrong verb form
reaching
show examples
 over 500
students
Use synonyms
 than
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
tap which is all
Linking Words
this
Change the determiner
these
show examples
 two categories,
students
Use synonyms
secondly
Linking Words
 like it at over 400 for 11 to 16 and about 450 for
students
Use synonyms
 under 11. The ballet which kids under 11 favorite
dance
Use synonyms
 over 600
students
Use synonyms
 love that but
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the
students
Use synonyms
 from 11 to 16
most
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
unlike only
have
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
300
students
Use synonyms
 have its class.
However
Linking Words
 the
students
Use synonyms
 under 11
least
Change preposition
at least
show examples
 take part in the modern class, which
as
Correct your spelling
is
show examples
similar
Add an article
the similar
a similar
show examples
 number
as
Change preposition
to
show examples
 ballet which from 11 to 16 joined, at about 200.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, dance, classes, studios, students with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • distribution
  • attendance
  • community centers
  • dance schools
  • private studios
  • ballet
  • hip-hop
  • contemporary
  • ballroom
  • analysis
  • popularity
  • accessibility
  • cost
  • cultural trends
  • media influences
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