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Band 5.5

Some people think that museums should be enjoyable places to entertain people while others believe that the purpose of museum is to educate. Discuss both views and give you own opinion.

#people #museums #places #purpose #museum
There are varying views regarding the function of
museums
; whether they should be enjoyable or educative.
While
 designing entertaining
museums
 increases their attractiveness, I would argue that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 learning new information is the greater purpose and it can be ruined by entertainment. It is undeniable that obtaining knowledge is fairly more efficient when it is entertaining. In
this
 context, being enjoyable, some
museums
 are visited by numerous
people
. Since
such
 places offer both information and fun at
same
Add an article
the same
show examples
 time, strolling inside of the catchy museum makes
people
enthuiastic
Correct your spelling
enthusiastic
 about learning related
concept
Fix the agreement mistake
concepts
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.
Morover
Correct your spelling
Moreover
, if
people
 spend money on something, they want to be satisfied fully.
This
 is another factor that makes
this
 type of
museums
Fix the agreement mistake
museum
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 more charming. Consider a dinosaur museum. If it offers impressive animations and visuality,
people
from
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all ages choose to be there.
On the other hand
, the primary reason to be a
museum goer
Add a hyphen
museum-goer
show examples
 is
receiving
Change the verb form
to receive
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 information by seeing
artifacts
Change the spelling
artefacts
show examples
 and crafts. Those who are into specific branches make themselves more integrated by seeing
museums
' contexts.
For
this
 reason, diving into enjoyable visual effects or animations might be deemed unnecessary or distracting for serious learners. Take a fan of World War One. He/She already has an opinion about how brutal that war was.
Therefore
 no need to visualize it again, merely seeing old
equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
show examples
 would be enough for these individuals. In conclusion, in order to increase the number of visitors,
museums
 might be made enjoyable; yet, since excessive entertainment may impair the learning process,
museums
 should stay on
educative
Add an article
the educative
show examples
 line.
Submitted by TUTOO on

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coherence cohesion
Consider improving transition between paragraphs for a smoother flow.
task achievement
Try to further develop your stance with more illustrative examples or elaboration on ideas.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, effectively framing your argument.
task achievement
The use of relevant and specific examples, such as the dinosaur museum, enhances your argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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