IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disadvanteges of giving children this message

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Children
Use synonyms
 in some cultures are taught that they can reach anything that they want by working hard enough.
Although
Linking Words
children
Use synonyms
 with
such
Linking Words
 a view will understand
realities
Correct article usage
the realities
show examples
 of the world of
work
Use synonyms
 earlier, they might get burned out
due to
Linking Words
 the amount of
work
Use synonyms
. Teaching
children
Use synonyms
 that working helps to reach their dreams is helping them grow mentally. It is happening
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that developing patience is
necessary
Add an article
a necessary
show examples
 characteristic for people who
work
Use synonyms
 a lot
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because it is barely impossible to complete great numbers of tasks without patience.
Besides
Linking Words
,
such
Linking Words
 a view of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
things helps in preparing
children
Use synonyms
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
adulthood. Little kids are used to taking everything from their parents and do not put
Change preposition
in efforts
show examples
efforts
Fix the agreement mistake
effort
show examples
, but those who are told about hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 will be well-prepared for their future
work
Use synonyms
 and other parts of their lives.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 way of thinking may lead to some negative consequences, including
decrease
Add an article
a decrease
the decrease
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 self-confidence and stress.
Firstly
Linking Words
, those who believe in
power
Add an article
the power
show examples
 of hard
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 may be afraid of taking opportunities and risks that suddenly arise, because they believe in
insufficiency
Correct article usage
the insufficiency
show examples
 of their preparation for it.
As a result
Linking Words
, it leads to a life full of regrets of the untaken chances.
Secondly
Linking Words
,
hardworking
Correct word choice
hard work
show examples
 consumes lots of energy and lack of proper rest from
working
Correct article usage
the working
show examples
 routine makes people highly exhausted.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, exhaustion can lead to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
various mental illnesses,
such
Linking Words
 as depression and anxiety. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
belief
Add an article
the belief
show examples
 that
hardworking
Correct word choice
hard work
show examples
 makes everything possible and helps people attempt more to reach what they want, it
also
Linking Words
 has significant bad outcomes which can not be unnoticed.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Try to incorporate more specific examples or cases to illustrate your points. This will strengthen your arguments and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph links smoothly to the next, using linking words or phrases to guide the reader through the argument.
task achievement
Your essay presents a balanced view by discussing both advantages and disadvantages of the topic, which provides depth to your response.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-defined and help in framing the argument effectively.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: