IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #access #people’s #phone #records #messages #safety #information #permission
Some people think that local forces ought to have access to mobile phone calls and chats of citizens to save them. But I believe that
history
Correct article usage
the history
show examples
 of what we do
in
Change preposition
with
show examples
 our gadgets should be private because a person has rights and
data
Correct article usage
the data
show examples
 of a government can be hacked.
Firtsly
Correct your spelling
Firstly
, no one should be able to see
individual's
Correct article usage
an individual's
show examples
 phone call records for
privaty
Correct your spelling
private
 reasons, in order to protect freedom of speech.
In other words
, if a person tells another that their local council is bad and makes poor decisions, he can't be persecuted for that.
For instance
, there are social networks, like Telegram, whose goal is to defend their users' privacy from not only hackers but
also
 governments.
Secondly
,
generally
Add a comma
generally,
show examples
 it is easy to steal vital information from forces. If a government has a huge amount of data about every resident, hackers will try and eventually manage to hack them.
Next,
they will use
this
 data to break into banks' and social media accounts because usually users send a lot of information about their passwords into chats of families or friends. Admittedly, a
governemnt
Correct your spelling
government
 will be able to stop criminals or terrorists using
this
 information but nowadays it is hard to distinguish between simple black humour and real plans. So, police may end up arresting many common citizens.
To conclude
,
while
 governments might be able to capture more dangerous people, they will
also
 break one of the basics of
human's
Change noun form
human
show examples
 rights and it is a big risk to be hacked.
Therefore
, local forces mustn't be able to see
person's
Correct article usage
a person's
show examples
 call records and chats.
Submitted by leshchynser on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

language
Consider refining the language for better clarity and to avoid small inaccuracies. For example, 'privaty' should be 'privacy,' and 'governemnt' should be 'government.'
language
The essay could benefit from more varied vocabulary and complex sentence structures to enhance the sophistication of the writing.
content
Include more specific examples to solidify your points, especially when discussing the risks of hacking or examples of government's success in using such data.
structure
Ensure each paragraph has a clear topic sentence followed by supporting details, making it easier for the reader to follow your argument.
content
The introduction clearly presents the topic and states your opinion effectively.
content
You provide a balanced discussion by considering both sides of the argument and stating your opinion.
structure
The essay includes a conclusion that summarizes the arguments and reinforces your main opinion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!