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Band 7.5

Today, an increasing number of younger individuals have to compete with older generations for the same positions. What challenges arise from this situation? What solutions would you propose?

#individuals #generations #positions #challenges #situation
These days, a lot of younger
people
 need to compete with
people
 who are older for the same career.
As a result
, young
people
 will have to compete with older
people
 who have more experience, which might mean some young
people
 fail to find work.
In addition
, high unemployment among young
people
 can cause unrest in society, leading to problems
such
 as crime.
However
, these issues can be tackled by providing sufficient social benefits for older
people
 to allow them to retire without losing their standard of living. One of the obvious problems that can be noted is unfair competition.
In other words
, old and young
people
 are not equal.
For example
, young
people
 may have no clue about the jobs since they are recent graduates and have never worked before, but when it comes to older
people
, they have a lot of qualifications because they graduated a long time ago and have worked in different positions through the years. Another issue is that the high number of young
people
 who do not have jobs poses a real risk for society.
For instance
, young
people
 will need a job after graduating from university;
otherwise
, they may be disappointed and look for other ways, which may include stealing or committing crimes to get money, which is very dangerous. One of the effective measures that can be taken is that
people
 should stop working at a certain age, like 60, which means they are considered old. They deserve to relax and get half of the salary.
This
 would be very helpful as it gives both young and old
people
 a better chance. Young
people
 would find a job, and older
people
 could rest and still receive money.
To sum up
, competition between young and older
people
 would make it worse since young
people
 do not have the experience, so I think older
people
 should retire.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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task achievement
To achieve a higher score, consider expanding on the societal impact of youth unemployment with more specific examples or data.
coherence cohesion
Improve coherence by ensuring smooth transitions between ideas, making sure each paragraph clearly connects to the next.
coherence cohesion
The essay presents a clear introduction and a well-rounded conclusion, providing the reader with a good overview of the topic.
task achievement
Strong task response as the essay effectively addresses both challenges and solutions related to the topic.
task achievement
The use of examples related to societal risks and retirement benefits strengthens the argument, demonstrating good use of relevant examples.

Fully explain your ideas

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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